Tuesday, June 22, 2021


Breakfast is nicotine, caffeine, and highly refined white sugar. My doctor disrecommends the first and last. Given what the majority of his patients are, that is understandable. It's a client demographic composed, more than half, of elderly Cantonese who smoke like chimneys and congregate in bakeries noshing, as well as swilling several hours old coffee. If they just didn't smoke so much and eat so many pastries they'd probably be twice as old, tall and blonde, and twenty years younger. At least. Coffee is okay. Filled with antioxidants. Healthy.

Of course, they wouldn't swear in Toishanese or play mahjong, so they wouldn't be nearly as loveable, but that's a small price to pay for vibrant good health, such as is exemplified by the joggers who come perilously close when one is out enjoying one's pipe in the morning. Either they're going to knock me over, or I'm going to hit them savagely with a blunt object.

Jogging may be bad for your health. I'm just saying.

I am exactly like that demographic. Except that I'm several years younger, smoke a pipe, prefer milk tea over stale coffee, and am both Caucasian and not Toishanese. I like baked goods.

Oh, and the last time I played mahjong was with a bunch of Filipinas during a three day weekend in Southern California, all day and all night, in between snacking on lumpia and pancit, and getting the very minimum amount of sleep.

"Why do they call it tourist season if you can't shoot them?"
------Comment by a reader of this blog several months ago.

The problem with Chinese bakeries and restaurants is that tourists walk in, don't recognize a single thing, and plaintively ask whether there are Coca Colas and pork buns on the premises. They'll look at stuff, not recognizing very obvious cakes and cookies as, in fact, actual cakes and cookies, and wail about soft drinks and pork buns before leaving disconsolately and heading to the place next door for a repeat performance.

So, to save everyone time and aggravation, I shall propose that every food related business in Chinatown have a refrigeration unit right next to the front door with carbonated beverages and pork buns. As well as egg rolls, pot stickers, and almond cookies. Clearly marked as containing carbonated beverages, pork buns, egg rolls, pot stickers, and almond cookies. Along with signs in Chinesey script stating the prices. Or whether it contains gluten, non-gmo substances, or ethically sourced ingredients.

Soda. Pork bun. Egg roll. Pot sticker. Almond cookie.

That way the tourists won't get in the way, won't bother any of us noshing on our unidentifiable good lord what is that is it even edible we're from Mars (Wisconsin) and our eyes glow in the dark I'm lost pastries (and hours old coffee), and won't clusterfudge in front of the counters, bathrooms, and garbage units, pay up and leave.

Everybody happy, yes?


Later today I'm heading over to Chinatown.
Bank. Groceries. Bakery. Milk tea. Pipe.
The tourists are back in town.


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