Thursday, July 23, 2020


One of the seminal events in every young person's early adulthood is going off to college and experiencing responsibility and the weight of the world upon one's shoulders. As well as, perhaps existential angst and fevered sexuality. It makes for a heady mix. This blogger never suffered from existential angst. And the less said about the last item the better.

Another seminal event, possibly the deciding one, is purchasing one's first Peterson System Standard.

Such as shape 307, the most pipe-like shape they have.

There now. Doesn't that look more pipe-like than any other piece of smoking equipment? Could it be any more pipe? Most pipes go up to ten, but these go up to eleven. It's one more pipish.
It's very special.

If Nigel Tufnel had a brain, this is what he would smoke.

When I returned to the States for college, one of the first things I did was buy one of these things, at the pipe counter in Woolworths on Powell and Market Streets. And I was very happy with it.
Regularly filled it with Drucquer's Royal Ransome (a full Latakia blend), and enjoyed it immensely. I no longer have that pipe, nor the perfectly grained and exceptional one of the exact same shape that followed.

[At the time, I could've bought a pet hamster too; those were also sold at Woolworths. But I wasn't thinking.]

But presently I own two 307's, and six other Peterson System Standards.
Every young man or women should aspire to such a pipe.
One of them I haven't smoked.

[Hamsters are small burrito-shaped rodents native to the Levant. Sadly, they are not filled with carnitas.]

A bent apple, shape 303.

The reason I have abstained is that shortly after I acquired it, I realized it would look much better with a woman smoking it. It has a rounder, softer shape, very elegant, and truly excellent grain, but I cannot get that lovely image out of my mind.

Unfortunately women are more likely to want a hamster, OR a burrito, but they'd look much more professorial with a pipe.

Peterson makes excellent pipes, but the tobacco under their name, while well made, is, largely, unsmokable.

ARAN: vanilla and floral perfume. CONNEMARA BLACK: cherry black Cavendish. CONNOISSEUR'S CHOICE: tropical fruits, vanilla, and booze. De LUXE MIXTURE: aromatic nut liqueur, vanilla, honey. FOUNDER'S CHOICE: rum, mango, vanilla. GOLD BLEND: hickory nuts, vanilla, cinnamon. IRISH DEW: vanilla, blossoms, chocolate, whiskey. LUXURY BLEND: black Cavendish vanilla and honey. NUTTY CUT: macadamia nuts, coconut, rum. SHERLOCK HOLMES: assorted stone fruits and citrus. SUNSET BREEZE: Amaretto liqueur. SWEET KILLARNEY: sweet caramel cream.
Sweet holy Jesus.

Ma'am, perhaps you should smoke something made by Samuel Gawith in England instead. Best Brown Flake is good, Saint James Flake is pure and wonderful but a bit hard to light for some reason, and Golden Glow is absolutely perfect for someone with a sunny personality.
These tobaccos are the real thing.

That other stuff is for alcoholic tossers and Americans.

The more I think about it, the more the image of a serious woman trying to choose between her pet hamster, fine flake in her pipe, or a burrito with carnitas and zesty condiments, appeals to me.

An intelligent and sensible woman would likely indulge in all three.
In the proper order, of course. First pet the hamster, then have the burrito (perhaps with a little saucer of sambal, fish sauce, and pickled chilies), then afterwards sit down to enjoy the pipe. Maybe with a book.

Fish sauce is the natural compliment to pork.
It would go wonderfully with carnitas.


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1 comment:

Jeff F. said...

It does go wonderfully with carnitas. And I dearly wish that I had some Royal Ransom or Trafalgar to smoke in one of my 307s!

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