THE GREAT TOILET PAPER CAPER

All day at work people mentioned corona virus, and toilet paper. A six month supply of toilet paper. Because, of course, all danger fades when you're sitting on a six month stockpile of soft strong double-ply.

As I suspect several of the boys in the backroom are. Either that, or they invested heavily in toilet paper manufacturing, and are now pleased as all git out; the stockmarket tanking today was just people selling their toilet paper shares before they get all soggy. On the other hand, laxative sales will skyrocket, as folks deal with all their stashed rolls.

Our president probably didn't invest in bumwad in time, and is furious at the missed opportunity.


“But I think, importantly, anybody, right now and yesterday, that needs a test gets a test. They’re there, they have the tests, and the tests are beautiful. Anybody that needs a test gets a test.”
-------Donald Trump


Which, of course, is demonstrable bull-pucky.

Anyhow, what on earth makes you think I can afford the damned test? What is well within the realm of possibilities, however, should I come down with a dry cough, fever, breathing problems, and a headache, is that I go to work every day until I am physically no longer able to do so. At which point I'll drag my sick carcass over to the hospital on public transportation.
A crowded bus. During commute hours.
I may be too feverish to remember the stop at which I should disembark.
Perhaps I should just stumble into the foyer of a highrise.
Hacking, drooling, oozing.
Juices!


“The tests are all perfect, like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. This is not as perfect as that, but pretty good.”
--------Donald Trump

“This was something that we were thrown into and we're going to handle it and we have been handling it very well.”
-------Donald Trump


No, you are not handling it well. You, your veep, and your entire damned administration, are doing a fairly crappy job of handling it, and you keep contradicting the experts or muzzling them, because you don't want it to affect the stockmarket, your ratings, or your re-election.

And you didn't invest in toilet paper.


“So last year 37,000 Americans died from the common Flu. It averages between 27,000 and 70,000 per year. Nothing is shut down, life & the economy go on. At this moment there are 546 confirmed cases of CoronaVirus, with 22 deaths. Think about that!”
-------Donald Trump


Okay. Twenty two deaths? That's a four percent death rate.
The flu has less than half of a percent, at worst.
Based on lowest number of patients.
And 70,000 fatalities.

Bad figures, Trump.


“It’s fair to say that as the trajectory of the outbreak continues, many people in the U.S. will at some point in time this year or next be exposed to this virus and there’s a good chance many will become sick.”
-------Director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases (NCIRD) Nancy Messonnier, MD


What that actually means is that almost all of us will be exposed, and very many of us will become sick. Probably sooner rather than later.


Toilet paper manufacturers should invest in vaccine development and patient treatment protocols, even serious research into effective anti-viral strategies against the disease. Because they risk losing up to four percent of their customers. Devoted dumpers, every one of them.
Even if only five percent to twenty percent of the United States population get it, same as with influenza, that will mean 600,0000 to nearly two and a half million less people going through piles of smooch tissue.


President Trump never uses toilet paper.




UPDATE, Tuesday March 10, 8:58 AM

There are 761 confirmed cases in the US, 77 in Canada.
Twenty-seven people have died in the US due to the virus and one person has died in Canada.

[SOURCE: BBC.]

Lower percentage, still far worse fatality rate than the flu.



UPDATE, Wednesday March 11, 8:18 PM

1,135 confirmed cases in the US, 38 deaths.

[SOURCE: BBC.]



UPDATE, Thursday March 12, 8:33 PM

1,663 confirmed cases in the US. 41 deaths.

[SOURCE: CSSE.]



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