At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Tuesday, July 05, 2016


Now hear this: unless that is real dough, and real cheese, that is NOT a pizza! And no, we do not wish to cater to the spoiled brat slacker contingent with their "I'm so special" fussiness. Real Italian food uses gluten, eggs, and dairy products like there is no tomorrow. Anything without at least one of those ingredients had better be meat.

If you are in Berkeley, San Francisco, or Marin, there maybe some culinary whore who will cater to your sneering entitled self.
Elsewhere, not so much.

Berkeley is filled with your type, in San Francisco there are far fewer, and Marin is somewhere in between.

One place in Sausalito, desperate for dough, offers Vegan Italian.

Obviously they are pimps and have no pride.

This morning on Facebook I joined a discussion about a Vegan who made a half hour(!) video tape of himself sanctimoniously lecturing while devouring "pizza". Two thirds of the way in he discovers that there's cheese in the sauce (which is then confirmed over the phone by the pizzeria), and forcefully flings his cellular device against the wall in fury.
Not only is he pretentious, silly, and boring.....
He's also a class "A" dillwad.

He ends by whining.

This being the time of year when more Americans visit San Francisco, naturally Chinatown is awash with special needs folks, often overweight (morbidly obese), who all ask stupid questions about dough, meat, condiments, and why don't y'all have food I can eat damn you?

Well, real people don't have so many hang-ups is why.
Most Cantonese people really like meat.
As well as crustaceans.
Plus gluten.

A phrase I overheard while I was orgasming over a sumptuous pastry with whipped cream at a lovely place to which I often go sums up the entire entitled food-phobe gestalt.

"This bakery puts gluten, cheese, and peanuts in EVERYTHING!"

Oh you poor traumatized wussums! You forgot entirely about the animal shortening! It makes everything flaky super good!
Maybe they don't want you here?

Look, sweetie, the clientele of this establishment is overwhelmingly Chinese, because most waspy types are scared to try anything out of the norm, and putting even further limitations on what you will consider eating makes you even less a part of their target demographic.
They do very well; they've been in business for over twenty years. Considering that your type does not shop here, unless you want to use the bathroom, because you drank too much sugar-free soda, ice-tea, or expensive bottled water while waddling around the neighborhood and can't figure out that there is a giant free clean place to relieve your precious self in Portsmouth Square, perhaps they're on to something. Look around you: Chinese labels on food and other products.
If you didn't want Chinese stuff, go to Fisherman's Wharf, the Cannery, or Pier Thirty Nine. It is one hundred percent certain that you can find gluten free cheese free nibbly-doodles at a place with an extra-wide re-inforced porcelain bucket for your refined squatties.
They cater specifically to tourists.

Side note: why ARE all you Mittel-Amerikaner so effing fat? Is it all that corn? You don't have to slather grease or caramel on it; try cayenne and lime juice instead. And get some exercise why don't you?

Waddle waddle waddle waddle waddle waddle!


The demographic that makes needy demands is too small to constitute a significant market segment. There are rather few Vegetarian and Vegan restaurants in the urban Bay Area plus one or two macrobiotic holes, and all of them worry about making the rent. For equally goofy diners there are maybe two dozen New York or Chicago pizza places in all of Nor-Cal.

Nit-picky requests do not pay the rent.

Pizza has cheese. And gluten.

Chinese eat animals.

Piss elsewhere.

Special pest.

If I owned a pasticceria / panetteria, there would be a large sign over the doorway that said ""This bakery uses gluten, dairy, eggs, AND LARD, in everything! And we have peanuts."

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.



  • At 2:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "The demographic that makes needy demands is too small to constitute a significant market segment."
    Reminds me of the homosexual/transgender crowd...

  • At 2:42 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Perhaps you are an idiot.

    Please tell me in what way precisely the homosexual pizza or pastry differs from the straight pizza or pastry. And how is that different from the black pizza or pastry and the "no Chinese allowed" pizza or pastry?

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous BAT said…

    We need an all-carnivore all the time restaurant.

    Everything with bacon.

    Or steak.

  • At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A vegan bakery where you hang out would fail. There is no audience for vegan in Chinatown. None. Zip, zilch, zero. Nada.

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Vegan chopped liver tastes like shit. Literally.


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