Sunday, December 20, 2020

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

You Anglo-Americans have Christmas all wrong. And your backstory is completely ridiculous. Which is not surprising, seeing as y'all also fear science, follow snake handling religions or speak in tongues, and watch American Football.

Christmas is about Saint Nicholas' helpers, all of whom are black and named Peter, whupping you fiercely on December 6 and taking you off to Spain in a gunny sack to sell you as a slave. Then everybody celebrates with marzipan and chocolate.

[I'm fairly certain the proceeds of the sale mentioned above go into St. Nicholas' pocket. After the Spanish government takes their cut. Probably explains why Spain wasn't a member of the Common Market for so long.]


The last xmas tree I had I forgot to get rid of till July. It took an entire afternoon with a hacksaw to reduce it to garbage-baggable pieces. Any part of a celebratory tradition that's a pain in the gand gets axxed. That was twenty six years ago and I haven't had a tree since.
Sad, because I would like to celebrate the birth of Brian.

Egg nog, rum punch, cigars, and hot oil poured on festive off-key carolers from the parapets, are NOT what the season is about. But add inestimably to it never-the-less.

A "White Christmas" has to mean tofu.



It's quite safe. No one has died yet.




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