Wednesday, December 30, 2020


My apartment mate spent all day in bed yesterday, only emerging from her room for soup and conversation with the turkey vulture, who is in exile on my side of our space because he wishes to eat the imaginary little girl hamster. She's adorably meatball shaped, and dances a mean boogie woogie conga. All the other roomies join in. Great fun is had.
He also importunes me to bring back a fresh corpse.
Can't I "make" one while I'm out there?
Find somebody, dammit.

I've lied, and told him I don't know how to make one, and probably wouldn't be very good at it anyway. He is incredibly disappointed in me. He says because I brought him into the household, it's my responsibility to make sure he's properly fed.

Everytime we eat, he has his share.
But it isn't the same as corpse.

Whenever I go outside to smoke I take a stout walking stick with me, with which to ensure proper social distancing OR to make a fresh corpse. The pipe isn't good enough for keeping people away, because it smells so evocatively of their grandfather, or their favourite mathematics tutor, or classics professor, or Albert Einstein.

I resemble the last three.
Back in the day, college men all smoked pipes and lived clean upstanding lives. These days they are more likely to be hard-drinking football brutes paying the nerds to take their exams and write their papers so that they can go on to rewarding jobs in brokerages or insurance.

If they actually smoked a pipe, it would be filled with something degenerate, like Chocolate Cherry Cavendish or Vanilla Mango Strudel. Or everyone's favourites: RLP-6 and 1Q, which are the two most popular pipe tobaccos in the country besides Captain Black regular.
Flavoured alluringly with artificial vanilla, cheap cacao, and a spritz of honey.
Plus the stale beer on the floor at the local hoffbrau.

One of my favourite lawyers smokes 1Q.
He's a very nice man besides that.

There are two reasons why people smoke aromatics: 1) They've never developed a taste for decent tobacco; and 2) many of them do provide a satisfying smoke that's readily available.

The other day I told someone that one of the products I do not ever admit to liking was Erinmore Flake, and he promptly bought a supply for himself.
It's not what I smoked earlier this morning while out with my pipe.
Doblone D'Oro, made in Denmark for Savinelli.
Virginia, Kentucky, Burley, Perique.
Medium bodied coins.

Extremely satisfying, but I should have filled a bowl of a smaller diameter, as the Burley and Kentucky were a bit too strong in the pipe pictured above.
It would have been better in a similar item.
Like the briar shown below.
Neil gave me this pipe a few years ago.
It's become an excellent smoker.
Perhaps before noon.

As an afterthought, I am pleased that what I ate for dinner yesterday did not give me food poisoning. It was reasonably fresh. These are things that single must people think about.


NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

No comments:

Search This Blog


Sometimes, out of the corner of your ear, you hear something that tingles. While we were eating she mentioned that she admired crows because...