THE PERFECT BABY SITTER
In truth, I would like nothing better.
Introduce me to them.
It is my fond hope that each new generation throw up a few pipe smokers, as otherwise there will be nobody to wheel me to the designated smoking spot when I am old and knackered.
I doubt that the nurses at the retirement home for disreputable geezers will, as there are probably rats in the overflowing dump five blocks away that will have been designated a municipal non-smoke-free zone.
Along with discarded needles and politicians.
There are, however, some things that I do not wish them to ever be familiar with, or know about, those darling kiddie-winkies and doggie-woggies.
Because I am civilized, and a considerate and humane person.
And there are heresies that even I won't touch.
CULT - BLOOD RED MOON
"This dark, decadent blend combines fire-cured Cavendish, bright Virginias and Burleys with the delicious aromas of natural Royal Ann cherry and dark chocolate. A bit sweet, extremely rich, and unquestionably smooth."
[See: Tobacco Reviews.]
The best that can be said about this product is that there isn't too much goo. Which is relative. If you are used to goo bubbling away at the bottom of your bowl, this isn't for you. But it does have a powerful cherry reek, with hints of chocolate, pepto, and vomit.
It will appeal ONLY to lovers of cherry tobacco.
Who are ALL frightful effing perverts.
Except Miss Walters.
I have never understood the popularity of cherry tobaccos, but suspect that these appeal to people with steampunk goth tendencies. Especially if they love creepy sh*t, which Miss Walters does.
She also likes Molto Dolce.
So far no one has had any luck persuading her to only smoke nice discreet stuff. She and her husband constantly dabble in tobaccos that taste like Halloween candy or overly fermented pumpkins. Probably a rebellious thing. Brash childhoods transformed into daring adulthood, pushing envelopes, and going where none have gone before.
I am jealous of their stamina; I couldn't hack it.
The chocolate is more prominent near the end.
Amazingly, there also seems to be vanilla in it.
What this means is that the new crop of pipe smokers must be caught while young, BEFORE they develop queer tastes. A regimen of Latakia blends and Perique mixtures is recommended, after accustoming them to pale blonde blander products to begin with. As their tastes develop, they will seek out Turkish leaves and matured flakes, possibly pairing them with straight coffee rather than the overly sweet frappuchony crap they usually drink, or mango passion fruit iced bubble tea.
Plus good literature; that's important!
Stretch their little minds.
Perhaps even at some time Lakeland Flake and Fanny Hill for laughs.
Or 'Life in a Girls' Reformatory', and Black Rope.
Anything but cherry.
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.