KINDLY STOP POUTING
It's okay. I like being what I am.
The other day someone asked me why, in the years since the relationship with Savage Kitten and myself ended, I had not dated anyone. Was I, he guessed, afraid of rejection? Or was it because of some unmentionably queer fetish about which he could only speculate?
Whips, chains, and leather?
"I'm looking for someone with two belly buttons!"
That was not the response he was hoping for. Especially after I followed that by questioning him regarding his obsession with big butchazoid black men.
Which, I remarked, seemed a very southern thing to me, either Texan or Mississippian. Texans often have the same thing for Latinos.
All of which is mighty queer indeed.
Whereas I am absolutely normal.
Just extremely closed minded.
Women I will not date:
Women with tattoos.
Women who always wear nail-polish and eye-shadow.
Women who claim to be very spiritual beings.
Overly emotional cuteness queens.
Mentally unstable women.
Women who lack skepticism entirely.
Women who lack a sense of irony.
Women who can't 'sarcasm'.
Women who can't spell.
Women who disrespect pipes, milk-tea, dead authors, cats, ethnicities, foreign languages, history, hot sauce, porcelain, other people's property, small children, waitstaff in restaurants, mailmen, streetcleaners, the poor, fine food, noodle soup, or condiments; I can't stand people like that!
Women with handbag and shoe fetishes.
Women who worship "culture".
Reincarnated Mayan princesses.
The faithful, and true believers (of any creed).
Dietarily self-limited specimens (including but not limited to: vegetarians, vegans, psychosomatically allergic types, special diet claimants, gluten-phobes, and health-food berserkers).
Crazy women who forward inspirational crap, stuff about angels, sappy verses about babies and butterflies and kittens, snurfle about love and beauty and kindness and Jezus and sh*t.
Women who are stubborn but far too often wrong.
Women that aren't sufficiently stubborn.
Petulant or spoiled types.
Gigglers, screamers, and anyone who constantly says "OMG".
Furthermore, anyone who is too feminine ("femmy-wemmy"), or cannot comprehend science in the slightest, is also right out.
For every Barbie there is a Ken.
I am not Ken.
Neurotic and anti-social is okay.
Sarcastic bitches are fine.
So are nerds.
I'm afraid that if I had explained all that to him, his beady little eyes would have glazed over. And anyway, I see no reason to go into details, as the list is self-explanatory.
Unfortunately this list also eliminates almost all women.
Some of my best friends are cats and dogs.
I like giving head scritchies.
The answer that he was probably expecting would've been an admission of homosexual tendencies -- he has hinted as much in the past, and holds the belief that all men are somewhere on the gay spectrum, often further than they are ever willing to concede -- but that ain't gonna happen.
This blogger actually likes women, oh my heavens yes.
Despite that long but incomplete list.
Women can be special.
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