Thursday, October 31, 2019


Years ago, at the toy company where I worked, we had a pumpkin carving contest between departments. The Marketing department, headed by a truly evil man, slashed the throat of a stuffed monkey who was already missing a leg, and had him hanging out of the mouth of a monstrous toothy gourd.
They called their creation "too curious George".
I think it won a prize.

Later all the pumpkins were dumped on the kitchen table. At the end of that week, because of fruit flies, they were going into the garbage.

Being a sensitive man, I rescued the monkey.
Took him home and sewed up the gash.

After cleaning him up he was good as new. Well, minus a leg. Which, and he's convinced of this, he thinks I ate, with ketchup and mustard.

I keep telling him it was lost during a series of experiments in the product development lab (true), and that I had nothing to do with it. His early life was traumatic. Go ahead, furry dude, blame religion or the government.
Or Eric, Tricia, and the werewolf. Not me.

If I actually were to eat a monkey leg, it would be with garlic, onions, and hot sauce, NOT ketchup and mustard.

When shopping for produce, I often purchase lemons. Sometimes I do not use them in time, so they dry up, and become little shrunken fragrant balls.
Which, at this time of year, one can easily carve a bit, so that they look very much like Edvard Munch's "Scream", as if they were tiny pumpkins.
That's the extent of my Halloween observance.

There's a row of these things in the teevee room.
Where the monkey is not allowed to go.
For very obvious reasons.

The only good use of ketchup and mustard is to put those little packets you get from the fast food places into trick-or-treat bags in lieu of cigarettes.
Healthier, less gluten, non-gmo.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

No comments:

Search This Blog


Quite unsurprisingly, very many of my Facebook friends are in relationships with felines. It is unclear who the dominant player is in those ...