Thursday, September 29, 2022


According to an internet test, I am "outgoing, cheerful, adventurous, and unique". Which is a load of hogwash. Or that's the dating app version my imaginary alter ego would like to spread. If anything, I am a heretofore unknown species of scorpion.
Scorpions are known for being nurturing moms.
But not pack, swarm, or herd animals.

And that 'nurturing moms' bit doesn't count either.

Ten years ago I signed on to a dating site. Nine years ago I closed that account. Everyone there was "outgoing, cheerful, adventurous, and unique". And they wanted to raft down the Amazon with a supportive vegan while walking a golden retriever on a moon-lit beach.
Some of them had meaningful tattoos. Soft music.

I have a suspicion that most of them would be averse to the restaurants I go to, uninterested in the things I like, object to my smoking a pipe unless it was in LOTR format where I act like Gandalf or a Hobbit, and upset over my tendencies to culturally appropriate without the proper worshipful attitude.

Also, I do not river-raft, lack a dog of any kind, and haven't been on a moonlit beach in very many years if ever. My tattoos are meaningful entirely by their complete non-existence.
Emotional support "dog".

And as for that Amazon thing, the closest I wish to come is seeing the movie 'Fitzcaraldo' again. You do realize that they have brain eating amoebas, Chagas disease, dengue fever, dysentery, leprosy, lymphatic filariasis, onchocerciasis, tuberculosis, dozens of mosquito born illnesses, poisonous bugs, violent locals, and Jair Bolsonaro down there, don't you?

Butch heathens dancing samba and winning soccer games.

[A good friend who passed away recently spent quite a bit of time in Brazil, till he escaped from prison. He didn't enjoy it. Said it was worse than being in Vietnam or Rhodesia. I think he kind of liked Rhodesia.]

The national dish is bean muck.

Here is a short list of culturally appropriated terms for medical issues and conditions which are commonplace in the Amazon Basin. Bad basin.

Acute renal failure: 急性腎損傷 ('gap sing san syün seung').
Acute tubular necrosis: 急性腎小管壞死 ('gap sing san siu kun waai sei').
Anemia: 貧血 ('pan huet').
Candida albicans: 白色念珠菌 ('paak sik nim jyu kwan').
Chagas disease: 恰加斯病 ('hap gaa si peng').
Cholecystitis: 膽囊炎 ('daam nong yim').
Cytomegalovirus: 巨細胞病毒屬 ('keui sai baau beng dok suk').
Dengue fever: 骨痛熱症 ('gwat tung yit jeng').
Dysentery: 痢疾 ('lei jat').
Feijoada: 厭惡嘅爛泥糊豆糞肥 ('yim ngok ge laan nei wu dou fan fei').
Hemoglobinuria: 血紅素尿症 ('huet hong sou niu jeng').
Idiopathic compression of the median nerve: 腕隧道綜合症 ('wun seui tou jung hap jeng').
Jair Bolsonaro: 雅伊爾·博索納羅 ('ya yi yi·bok suk na lwo').
Jaundice: 黃疸 ('wong taan').
Leprosy: 痲瘋 ('lam fung').
Leptospirosis: 鈎端螺旋體病 ('gau duen lo suen tai bing').
Leukocyte: 白細胞 ('baak sai baau').
Lymphatic philariasis: 淋巴絲蟲病 ('lam baa si chong beng').
Malaria: 瘧疾 ('yeuk jat').
Malarial hemoglobinuria: 瘧疾嘅血紅蛋白尿 ('yeuk jat ge huet hong daan baak niu').
Monomorphism: 單態射 ('daan taai yek ').
Mosquito borne illnesses: 蚊子傳播嘅疾病 ('man ji chuen bo ge jat beng').
Naegleria fowleri: 福氏內格里蟲 ('fuk si noi gaak lei chong').
Onchocerciasis: 蟠尾絲蟲症 ('pun mei si chong jeng').
Plasmodium falciparum: 惡性瘧原蟲 ('ngok sing yeuk yuen chung').
Poisonous bugs: 毒蟲 ('tuk chong').
Tuberculosis: 結核病 ('git hat beng').
Urinary tract infection: 泌尿道感染 ('bei niu dou gam yim').
Verruca: 蹠疣 ('jik yau').

Violent locals: 嚎叫嘅野蠻人 ('hou kiu ge ye maan yan').

Please note that NONE of these terms are actually relevant in San Francisco. Incidence of 'black water fever' and other tropical ailments is quite uncommon here. Almost unknown.
But I'm prepared. Just in case.

I will NOT be rafting down a tropical river in the moonlight with a fluffy dog.
I am NOT "outgoing, cheerful, adventurous, and unique".
I'm actually kinda pissy and I smell bad.
Like tea and pipe tobacco.

Stupid internet survey.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

1 comment:


Feijoada: 厭惡嘅爛泥糊豆糞肥 = "disgusting slushy bean manure."
Great translation!

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