Tuesday, February 22, 2022

THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS

Most pipe tobacco sold in the United States, and in fact world wide, is aromatic. Which is GOOD news for people looking to reproduce Tewksbury's 'Hobbit's Weed', as all the parts should be easily available, either at your local smoke emporium or on-line.

Two parts BCA, one part Lane's Very Cherry, and one part Sutliff 1M. Note that the first and the last are vanilla tobaccos.

With this recipe, you can put on your grandma's bathrobe, not shave for a day, and ponce around stuffing the appropriate pipe-weed into that cheap pear wood churchwarden made by an Eastern European company that you bought off the internet, muttering elvish or hobbit-like things, and being effing insufferable while battling imaginary orcs.

Please also note that the spirit of J. R. R. Tolkien thinks you're an idiot.

Tolkien himself smoked Capstan, Gold Block, and Erinmore Flake.

Straight Virginia Flake, Virginia Ribbon, Troll Virginia.


A friend recently horrified two other pipesmokers I know by lighting up a vanilla fruit-loop blend in the backyard while visiting, attracting coyotes and turkey vultures convinced that some poor beast had died and keen to fight over the corpse. Naturally, he's fond of churchwarden pipes.
It is unknown whether he has a goofy Middle Earth thing going on, or harbours a Hobbit fetish.
I suspect he does.Personally, I wouldn't intercourse a Hobbit with a ten foot pole, but to every man his jollies, no matter how childish or berserk. Damned perverts.

Orcs, as is well known, do not smoke Hobbits Weed.
Captain Black Grape, or Watermelon.
Good intercoursing grief.


I did NOT know that watermelon flavoured pipe tobacco existed until last night, when, not being able to sleep because of irritated nodules on my fingers caused by exposure to chemicals for de-oxidizing pipe stems and various other irritants used in cleaning and polishing a few filthy old pipes that belong to an elderly deviant who won't invest in decent briar or take care of the poor beasts but treasures leprous old smokers he's tortured for years (bashing away at the rims for many decades; there is no semblance even of the original shape there) and clogging them up to a fare-thee-well with rancid gunk by smoking sickening sugared blends degenerate son-of-a-bitch, I cruised into a pipe forum on the internet.

Smells like hobbit.

Boys, some of you lot are intercoursing disgusting. Please treat your pipes exactly like your underpants. They'll function best if you rotate them, clean them regularly, and don't bash them against brick walls. Do NOT encrust them with tar or soggy deposits. They shouldn't feel sticky to the touch. They'll smell better too, and your family wil tolerate you more.
Assuming that you actually have relatives.

I am selective about the fellow pipe smokers I associate with.
Sometimes I make mistakes.



AFTER WORD

The first pipe this morning, while it was still dark outside, was a bowlful of Greg Pease's 'Embarcadero'. Which is a lovely pressed red Virginia with some Oriental leaf. It is complex, decadent, and very pleasing. Has a mild sweetness, and the fragrance in the chill dawn air evokes old times. Spring in Brabant, the sunlight streaming into the drafting office, metal polish, that hidden bottle of sherry in the school library, landing the old crate at the airfield on the hill top overlooking emerald rice paddies, the docks where the national constabulary unloaded contraband they had seized and planned to sell, and driving the jeep past the scene of an incident the papers never heard anyhting about and let's make sure of that.

Makes the mind wander. In a good way.



TOBACCO INDEX


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