Sunday, February 20, 2022

ADVICE TO IRMGARD

A recent post here rather indicated that I might not be a suitable person charged with the oversight of the very young. On the other hand, as the avuncular sort ("Uncle Stinky"), I am excellent at given advice to young adults who have recently graduated from college or are about to. Or even such people working on an advanced degree who may not have given certain things much thought.

Here, then are some general words of advice to a fictional young lady.

Let's call her 'Irmgard'.


UNDERWEAR
Avoid tight and too small. Comfort and cleanliness are goals. And while bikini briefs and French cuts look charming, they are rather pointless unless you plan to disrobe at work. If you ARE planning to disrobe there, might I suggest checking yourself into the booby hatch first? Consider wearing boxer shorts in any case. You might find them comfortable. And as regards brassieres, a perfect fit will be easier to achieve if you have a saleslady measure you. You don't want painful constriction or wobbly bobbly. Avoid overmuch lace, as it can peek out, or snag.

PANTS
Not yoga pants. Something loose and comfortable, yet surdy enough for active wear. With pockets. Pockets are extremely important. Absolutely insist on pockets.

PAJAMAS
Comfy.

PIPES
A conservative shape, standard black carbon rubber mouthpiece, straight rather than bent. Straight is easier to clean, and a carbon rubber bit, rather than those frou-frou coloured jobbies which are quite popular nowadays, will prove more comfortable between the teeth and less likely to attract the attention of dubious people.

By the way: beverages to sip while enjoying your pipe are tea or coffee. Many people suggest Scotch or other liquors, but civilized people do not drink before the cocktail hour.
After teatime, it is perfectly okay to have some sherry.

SHIRTS
Opaque fabric, buttoned up to above the cleavage. You are not a plumber's ass.

SHOES
Sensible.


If you are male (let's call you 'Manfred'), then all of the above, plus a daily shave, to avoid that Miami Vice suburban putz yuppie look. A small neat beard is okay, such as mine, but it might cause people to question your morals or impute imaginary vices. Avoid the full beard; you are not a philosopher or a vagrant.



I have a mental picture of Irmgard smoking a standard billiard (such as the one below) filled with Rattray's Old Gowrie or Brown Clunee, while reading on her backporch. There is a teacup on the table next to her, as well as an ashtray, matches, and a packet of pipe cleaners.
Rattrays tobaccos, like the two I mentioned, are old fashioned solid products reflective of civilized habits and good values. Aromatics are indicative of flightiness and immorality.
Rattrays does produce one or two aromatics for the pervy demographic.
Those are later additions, often caused by Kohlhase and Kopf.
Their marketing department is mentally unstable.

As for reading while smoking, I suggest a murder mystery with lots of juicy details. Unless you know precisely how the banker was dismembered, what's the point?



AFTERWORD

I myself do not have a backporch. I take walks, and for this weather I have sweaters. Sweaters are good. During the morning I can often get away with smoking inside, as long as I have the windows wide open and my apartment mate's door is firmly shut. Sweaters are good.

I do not have sherry on the premises.
There is plenty of tea.



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