UNSPEAKABLE HORROR

My regular grocery store is entirely out of Meiji chocolates. Which is incredibly hurtful. Because right near the cash register there are numerous colourful packages and boxes filled with snacky-type items, and one is tempted. Except that the overwhelming majority of these appealing and appetizingly coloured things are durian-flavoured.
It's almost like they're trying to get rid of them.

榴蓮味

As a snack taste durian is nature's sadistic joke. It is incredibly vicious. The two countries which are the worst offenders are Vietnam and Malaysia, and that will be remembered when it's time to tally up achievements and compare nations.
It should be held against them.
For all time.

Even the brand of Japanese nougat I like has a durian-flavoured version.

Mango, strawberry, cranberry-yogurt. And durian.


Also multiple brands of hopiah (Hokkien style pastry cakes, great with tea). None of the traditional red bean paste, or wintermelon, or lotus-seed paste. Durian.


One problem with durian is that it comes out through your skin. Three days later, you might catch a whiff of durian, and wonder where it's coming from. The answer is: you. For some reason your belly button lint or sweaty palms reek of the durian you ate last week.
It was only a little bit, but it's punishing you. You are a wicked man.
The laundry you did on Tuesday reeks of durian by Friday. You haven't seen your cat in days. Your mother-in-law started throwing things at you. You've been passed over for promotion. Your favourite pair of shoes makes little children cry. And your parrish priest has kicked you out of the confessional and excommunicated you.

Don't do that typical college student thing of smelling some of the clothes you've worn already to see if there's something that can be worn again because you have nothing clean.
It ALL smells like durian.


You know, many Asians say that Caucasians smell unbearably of cheese. The Japanese have mercifully fallen silent on that score, now that cheesy-poofs have become their favourite snack. In many different flavours, including Ementhaler, Gouda, Cheddar, and Havarti. Cheese and octopus crunchies. Cheese-salmon-curry sweet poofs. Cheese and horseradish crackle balls. Hello Kitty Cheese nibbles and Hello Kitty green tea and cheese pastry pillows. It's probably almost like eating a crunchy white person. A bizzare development.
But to the rest of them, it's that European smell.
Pallid skin? Must smell like cheese!
It could be worse .....


Somebody should tell the fastidious aunties that we could smell like durian. Durian and bacon. Flaming hot Texas-style durian. New England durian and clam crispies. Southwest green chili durian. Alabama sweet peanut durian brittle. Lime and salt durian. Salsa durian. Ballpark chili cheese durian. Durian white cheddar popcorn. Jalapeño bacon cheese durian.



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