IT'S ALL ABOUT CAKE.
Trust me. I am a doctor. I can say these things.
I am the frikkin' Vani Hari of incendiarism.
Okay, that all came out wrong.
Eh. Sorry, lah.
In a post earlier this week I had described Erinmore Flake as "dressed with essence of pineapple and perhaps the faintest touch of licorice. Underneath the fruit it is a very fine tobacco, and beloved by many old men who smoke shitty pipes. Because it is very likeable."
To which a reader responded.
""beloved by many old men who smoke shitty pipes" That's priceless. I liked snug harbor by c&d. Dark strong by Heinrich's is good too. Wish I knew what my neighbor smokes, a conglomeration from a b&m they assemble, it smells like coca pebbles till he gets half way down the bowl and then gets so bitter smelling I don't know how he could finish it. Bet it bites like a dragon too. I tried to give him some bothy flake and he said it smelled like ass."
I cannot remember what that quite smells like. What with normally not being in the habit of sniffing donkeys or any other livestock.
Perhaps I should get back in the game.
Someone else commented on a post from six years ago: "Is your universe still charsiu centered? Or have you found someone flaky?"
The short answer is "yes, umm, no".
I have not found anyone.
I am somewhat oblivious to other people's interaction, and would probably not even notice if a woman started audibly drooling at me. Unless she took pains to explain that, in fact, she was audibly drooling at me.
I might then suggest that she needed to eat.
Because I am not edible.
Please note that "somewhat oblivious" is code for an Asperger syndrome cluelessness about social clues. In this case coupled with denialism and blithering. Communication is therefore easier with individuals similarly equipped, who understand that clear unequivocable statements are preferable over hints, winks, and nods.
If you ask me a straight question, you will get an answer.
But I've gotten better at defensive dissimulation.
So it might not be a straight answer.
I have always been good at beating around the bush.
It's a talent.
"Gee, a piece of cake might be nice." "That cake looks scrumptious." "Is that cake too much for you to eat?" "Cake has such a marvelous ability to spread happiness." "That raspberry filling is so red!" "It is so sad when there is too much cake left over, don't you agree?" "Which bakery made that cake?" "Cake is magic." "My that is a lot of cake, you probably will get tired of eating it." "All the experts agree that cake is extremely good."
"I haven't had cake is so long!" "Cake shared is cake doubled."
"Too much cake could be bad for you."
You! Just ask for cake!
The other day a little girl was staring with hopeful eyes at cake in the showcase at the The AA Bakery & Cafe on Stockton Street.
Cake, clearly, would make all well with the world.
It was a passionate yearning.
I would have bought her some, but strange men buying cake for children tends to disturb people.
I should buy cake for an adult instead.
I also like cake.
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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.