At the back of the hill

Warning: May contain traces of soy, wheat, lecithin and tree nuts. That you are here
strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton.
And that you might like cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Monday, May 09, 2016


When this blogger came home and scoped out his Facebook page, it was to discover that not one, but THREE of his Facebook friends sincerely wished to direct his attention to an irate article in Crosscurrents about the rabbinic approach to female mast*rbation, authored by Rabbi Eliyahu Safran. Who disapproves heartily of the very concept of female mast*rbation. Considering that female mast*rbation might lead to female gratification, RATHER than doing holy stuff like being wives of frumniks.

Or frimnikim.

"We are mispallel for the day that Hashem will repair the pirtzos of Klal Yisrael."

------R. Eliyahu Safran

First Rabbi Safran preambulates with a general discription of bilboard and public advertisement immodesty, after which he attacks the meat of his subject, that being an insistence that sex*al shenanigans at all times should be clean and pure and inspired by religious reverence.
Or something in that vein.

"There is no place where the challenge of kedusha is more at risk than when it comes to sex*al behavior."

This implies, naturally, that kedusha should be foremost in your mind when your husband, lover, or boyfriend, is acting wicked. Quite a challenge.

He writes: "As reported in by Susan Schneider, JOFA is committed to “explicit and liberating sex ed*cation.” "

Rabbi Safran reads some fascinating stuff.

I have never read

Or ms. Schneider.

Further worthwhile quote: "In the article, Ms. Schneider writes, “Bat Sheva Marcus, a sex ed*cator, has a new tool for enlightening not just the Orthodox or ultra-Orthodox women who are the base of her clinical practice, but the rest of the human race as well. She is the lively and genial — and often funny — co-host and resident sex*ality expert for a new podcast series, ‘The Joy of Text,’ a forum for rabbinic and psychological perspectives on sex*al behavior, from mast*rbation before (and during) marriage, to the use of sex toys, to whether fantasy can be a religiously approved aspect of sex*al behavior."

And also: "Bat Sheva Marcus is, after all, a woman whose doctoral dissertation in human sex*ality was on women and vibrator use! She takes great pride in telling high school students in Jewish day schools to intimately examine their bodies in a mirror and telling them to find the most pleasurable way to mast*rbate!"

Anyhow, I sincerely and heartily recommend that you read the article in Crosscurrents, entitled Holiness Does Not Have An Expiration Date. Whether you choose to then reread it obsessively, and collapse in a fit of giggles, or retire to the office men's room or women's room (or cross gender room) to frantically bevredig yourself, is totally up to you. If the picture accompanying the article gives you pleasure, so much the better.

That's one hell of a handsome frumnik. If you are into frumniks, then that is, in fact, emmes geshmak. This blogger tends to favour srugies, rather than six-panel velvet kippos, but even I will admit that it is colour co-ordinated, and goes well with the formal look he embodies.
And what an embodiment it is!

But ALL of that is beside the point. If you are a frimme woman, kindly keep your hands out of your crotch. And stop looking at that photo.

If you are NOT a frimme woman, become one at once.

If you aren't Jewish at all, al pi halacha, it is quite immaterial what you choose to do with your hands and your crotch, or when, where, or howsoever long, and neither I nor Rabbi Elyahu Safran care.

Well, he does, maybe. I don't.

As long as you're happy.

PLEASE NOTE: This essay presented ONLY as a public service, for the eyes of scholarly readers possessed of clean curiosity. All attempts have been made to avoid offending the pritzusdikkeit of frimme leite.
Hence the cautionary overabundance in asterisking.
My apologies if you required more.

A version even richer in asterisks is available.
Or you could asterisk yourself.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


  • At 11:17 PM, Anonymous Ari said…

    Unadulterated Greatness. That is all.


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