CAKEN SMOOSHERS AND PING PONG BALLS

It should come as no surprise that my favourite cooking show was the Swedish Chef on the Muppet Show. I have never been attacked by chickens, cakes, or rutabagas, but this is something that, when in the kitchen, I am aware might happen.
Surprisingly, I have good relations with chickens.
Generally speaking.

Mostly I cook "quasi Asian". It's quasi cultural appropriation. Totally, lah.
And it's likely to offend some people. Just like my quasi vegetarian, because tofu tastes great with meat and garlic. Or fish paste, chilies, and tamarind.
And anything tastes better with sambal.

[Sambal: hot chili paste, ubiquitous in Malaysia, Indonesia, and Singapore, also common in most Dutch and Surinamese kitchens, and related to the Ceylonese 'sambol'. The fundament of civilized life. When the Goths and Vandals sacked Rome, they didn't have sambal. Quod erat demonstrandum.]


Fish, shrimp, and pork go well with sambals, either served with or cooked with sambal added to the pan. The simplest sambal is simply mashed hot chili with a pinch of salt, but more interesting ones are also common.

Basically, sambal for the dish, and serundeng (crispy coconut shreds plus other stuff) for the rice if the dish is a curry-type preparation.


SAMBAL BELACHAN
Shrimp paste sambal

One cup mashed Thai chilies.
Quarter cup lime juice.
Four TBS firm Malay shrimp paste (belachan).

Toast the shrimp paste till slightly charred.
Dump into a blender, osterize briefly, decant.

Keep the kitchen door closed and the window open while making this.


SAMBAL GORENG
Fried sambal

One cup mashed Thai chilies.
One small onion, chunked, or two shallots.
Half a cup warm water.
Four kemiri nuts.
Four TBS tomato paste.
One Tsp. ground coriander.
Pinch sugar, pinch salt, dash fish sauce.

Osterize, then fry while stirring till the oil comes out, at which point the water content will have been substantially reduced. This keeps for a few weeks in the refrigerator.


SERUNDENG BAWANG
Crispy coconut and 'onion' garnish

One cup dry grated coconut.
One finely slivered shallot.
Two TBS. lime juice.
One TBS. amber fish sauce.
One Tsp. sugar.
A few drops Louisiana hotsauce.
Pinches ground coriander and turmeric.

Mix it all together well. Let stand an hour or two. Spread thinly on an oiled baking tray, and roast it for one and a half to two hours at 225 degrees Fahrenheit. If necessary, decant it to a skillet and toast it golden brown afterwards by hand. Keeps for a few weeks.


SERUNDENG KADJU
Coconut and cashews garnish

One cup shredded coconut.
Half cup cashews.
Half teaspoon each: ground coriander, ground cumin, turmeric, sugar, salt.
Quarter teaspoon each: cinnamon powder, dry ginger.
Pinch: mace, cayenne.
Half tablespoon each: Louisiana hot sauce, lime juice.
Dash of hot water.

Whisk all powdered spices, salt, sugar, and liquids till sugar and salt dissolve. Toss everything together to coat, let stand for an hour. Toast, spread out on a tray, for one and a half to two hours at 225 degrees Fahrenheit till brown and crispy. Can be kept in a jar with a screw-top lid for up to four or five weeks.


SHRIMP BALLICHAO
Goan "pickled" prawns

One pound shrimp, shelled and veined.
Half cup minced onion.
Half cup chopped tomato.
Two tablespoons chili paste.
Half tablespoon golden sugar.
One teaspoon ground coriander.
Quarter teaspoon ground black pepper.
Generous pinches ground cumin, turmeric, salt, cayenne.
Four TBS each: vinegar, strong tamarind water.

Put everything except shrimp, onion, and tomato in a blender. Fry the prawns a scant two minutes, remove and drain. Brown onions, add the blended spices, then add the tomatoes. Cook, stirring, till thick. Add the prawns and fry till done.


PALAKPAK
Mixed vegetables cooked soupy with shrimp-paste.

Two Asian eggplants, two large green bell peppers; chopped coarsely.
Three to five Roma tomatoes - peeled, seeded, and chopped.
Quarter to half pound chunked fatty pork.
Garlic, ginger, and Jalapeno, chopped.
1½ TBS shrimp paste.
1½ Tsp chili paste.
One Tsp each: paprika, sugar.
Half Tsp each: dry ginger, ground pepper.
Dashes dark vinegar and Louisiana hot sauce.
A squeeze of lime.
Half a cup rice wine or sherry.
Half a cup water or stock.

Layer in a clay pot or casserole. Meat and eggplants first, then the bell peppers, with the tomato on top. Mix all other ingredients, pour over. Raise to boil, turn low and simmer half an hour with the lid on. Let sit briefly ere serving.


RENDANG
Meat cooked in coconut milk

One pound beef, large cubes.
One onion, chopped.
Three cloves of garlic, chopped.
Equal measure minced ginger.
Half cup of mashed Thai chilies.
2 stems of lemongrass.
1 Tsp coriander.
½ tsp turmeric.
Pinch ground cumin.
1½ cups coconut milk.
1 tsp of tamarind mooshed in a quarter cup of hot water.
Pinches of salt and sugar.

In a food processor whir onion, garlic, ginger, sambal, and spices till smooth. Use a little of the coconut milk or some water to facilitate. Coat the meat with this and let it stand a while.

To cook, dump meat and gloop into the pot, add the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Turn heat low and simmer till the liquid has been entirely taken up by the meat - about an hour and a half. Remove the lemon grass. Then raise heat and gild the chunks in the oily residue.


MANOK KUNIT
Yellow curry chicken

Half a chicken, in four pieces.
One onion, minced.
One or two cloves garlic, minced.
A little ginger, ditto.
Three kemiri (candlenuts); lightly toasted, ground smooth.
Two TBS. mashed Thai chilies.
One Tsp. tamarind paste.
One Tsp. each: ground coriander, turmeric, dry ginger.
Half Tsp. each: sugar, shrimp paste.
Generous pinch ground cumin.
A stalk of lemon grass.
One cup coconut milk.
Dash of amber fish sauce.

Gild the onion, garlic, and ginger. Add the kemiri, sambal, shrimp paste, and spices, stirfry till fragrant. Then add the chicken, lemon grass, and coconut milk. Cook till the chicken is tender and the oil starts coming out, about forty minutes. Add the sugar and fish sauce, and cook a few minutes more.


HONG BAK (焢肉)
Straights Chinese "sealed" pork

One and a half pounds of belly pork with skin on.
Half a dozen cloves garlic.
Half a dozen soaked black mushrooms.
Half a dozen slices ginger.
A small piece of cinnamon.
Smallish piece of dried tangerine peel (陳皮).
Two or three whole star anise.
Three TBS soy sauce.
Three TBS brown sugar.
One TBS oyster sauce (or dried shrimp rehydrated).
A very hefty jigger of sherry or rice wine.
Half Tsp. ground coriander (optional).
A pinch of freshly ground pepper.
Oil.
Water.

Cut the pork into large chunks. Rub a little of the sugar on the meat, all over. Whack the garlic cloves with the flat of a cleaver to loosen the skin, which remove. Trim off the hard ends, but do not chop the garlic.

Fry the garlic till fragrant, decant to a saucer; you'll add it back later.

On medium heat, colour the pork chunks well, allowing for a little caramelization. Now add everything else including the garlic, and enough water to nearly cover; the pot should be somewhat crowded.

Bring to a boil, turn heat low, and simmer for forty five minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent scorching.

Note: the gravy should be slightly thin.



BTW: Unless your housemate is some kind of Dutch, or comes from regions near the Malacca Straight or the Java Sea, you may find yourself eating alone more often than not.

That's okay. You can smoke afterwards.



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