Tuesday, August 04, 2020


The problem is that I look like any other person. Which, as you probably realize, is just a trick. It's part of my dastardly plan to gain advantages.
I'm actually from outer space, here to steal your vital juices and force fluoridation upon you good people.

"I really shouldn't be surprised that you speak such good English; you Dutch have a talent with languages, and you probably learned it in school, better educated than Yanks.
Such clever people.

Okay.... Should I now reiterate that I was born here, and that we moved overseas when I was two? Or that I've been back in the States for most of my life, and, you know, spoke English at home? Both of my parents were American, my dad's family have been here for nearly four centuries, my mom's family going on three?

"Wow, you speak such perfect Dutch, as far as I'm concerned, you're one of us."

Gee thanks.

The one place where linguistic dexterity does have nearly unbiased rewards is in Chinatown. For one thing, speaking Cantonese (however badly) results in instant comprehension. A channel of communication has been opened, and when there is also evidence that I can read I get extra brownie points.

Sorry, mrs. Lee, I wasn't born in Hong Kong; I picked up my Cantonese from watching gangster movies. The reading ability is because I like dictionaries. And I look things up.

It's all part of my dastardly plan to force fluoridation on white peoples.

一個卑鄙嘅同邪惡嘅計劃 ('yat go bei pei ge tung che ngok ge gai waak'; an evil and malicious scheme).

氟化 ('fat faa'; fluoridation).

We extraterrestrials are good at that.
And we speak Dutch.

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