AN ANSWER FOR EVERTHING!

Tobacco use ensures adequate social distancing. At all other times when outside, wear a mask. The Bay Area is experiencing a renewed Covid surge. Besides, nonsmokers smell bad. And don't kiss random old people. Fragile imune systems, you know.

As a reasonable solution to the assault rifle problem, I propose putting a health warning on guns: "This device may damage your health and that of people around you, which is known to the great state of Texas." The same text should be put on schools.
There. Problem solved. Everybody happy.

If your violent incident is in the Red States, mention Jesus.
Likewise with any and all sexual opportunities.
Also festivals or swap meets.

If you have just turned old enough to buy beer legally, Jesus.

Practise 'thoughts and prayers' during quiet parts of the day.
And when you're operating heavy machinery.
Or meeting with friends.


Also, to keep your little kids busy, there's this:

Professional cooking tip: Put mayonnaise in everything. Innovative American cuisine at its finest, and keeps your innards lubricated.

Plus pickle juice. Healthy!

Coffee?



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