Thursday, May 12, 2022


Elsewhere in this country May is a warm and sunny month. Here, the temperature hovers around fifty. Possibly as high as fifty four later. Clearly, something must be done.
And, as you would expect, I am doing it.

An angry letter to the editor.

--- --- ---

Dear Sir,

Might I draw your attention to the unseemly state of affairs anent the daily temperatures in San Francisco this May? Possibly you thought the foreign tourists were responsible for this (many of them being European), but in fact this is because of our modern permissibility. I am convinced that the huge number of Republicans, Starwars fans, and heretical Christian sects, is to blame. As is clearly outlined in the Book of Job. Which possibly you have confused with Jonah, if recent articles in you feuilleton are anything to go by!

Republicans, Starwars fans, and heretics, all suck the heat out of the room and lower the tone. Their vacuum-like tendencies are detrimental to the environment, causing crime to proliferate, and temperatures to drop. And their deleterious effects on education, public morals, and the international coffee trade, are too well-known to detail here. Something must be done!

Tourists, as is well known, simply make vehicular break-ins more likely, as well as public defecation. Which are insignificant by comparison!

Kindly prepare an editorial proposing the burning of heretics as a partial solution to the climate question. American society was NOT founded on any toleration of eccentric forms of Christian religion, and our founding fathers would be outraged at the spread of Anabaptists, Baptists, Southern Baptists, Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Television Christians, as well as Mormons! Thank you. In expectation thereof, I shall start doing so myself; there are several churches of the tongues, witchcraft, and snake chanting persuasions, in the western part of this city that are quite flammable and undoubtedly filled with Republicans too, and the Starwars fanboys are probably clustered at Moscone Center garbed in various gaily hued synthetic fabrics; they'll be ambulatory torches, so to speak.

Looking forward to great civic improvements and more enlightened content from your fine publication, I remain,

Egbert Wagnut, PhD (Doctor of Philosophy, ret.)

PS. #1: Please STOP covering the Raiders and the Golden State Warriors! Nobody cares what that horde of poseurs and degenerates across the Bay do, and in any case that too contributes mightily to frigidity. The world is a cold enough place already!

PS. #2: The human body is, on average, 10 to 50 percent fat, undoubtedly higher among the groups I have mentioned. Highly combustible!

CC: B. Droogstoppel.

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If enough people write similarly to the editors, we can get this puppy off the ground. Letters to the Editor have been a proven methodology of affecting change through grass-roots action, and a fine American tradition besides. Also, because the modern generation is subtantially illiterate (capable only of "texting"), it has all the advantages of stealth.
They'll never know what hit them.

When I came back from my dawn walk with pipe and tobacco, my fingers were quite blue. Possibly due to Raynaud's Phenomenon, more likely because of the huge number of Republicans and Heretics walking their damned dogs.

San Francisco Chronicle
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 777-1111

Starwars fans do not have dogs.
Pet snakes and ewoks, possibly.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

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