Tuesday, April 26, 2011

THE IDEAL WOMAN

One of my acquaintances recently asked for advice about women - he's having love issues, you see.
And while I myself am experiencing a dry-spell in that regard, I qualify as an expert.
After all, I have years of experience with women.

Well, one woman.
But let the ONE stand in for the multitudes I could have known if I had ever been a "player".
Trust me, it's close.
More than him, in any case.

What, he wanted to know, should one look for in a woman?

In one word: a pulse.

Evidently that wasn't quite the answer.
He clarified that he wished to ascertain what the signal characteristics were of the ideal woman.
What was such a person like, what were her interests, and what did she like to do?


THE IDEAL WOMAN

Since SK and I split-up, I have had plenty of time to think about what makes a woman desirable, and I've spent many years observing my fellow humans besides. I have devoted much consideration to the matter.

The ideal woman likes cuddle-dozing, bathing, humpies, history, and dictionaries.

[Humpies are exactly like American Football. Except that instead of twenty two burly men divided into two teams, there are just two players. No team, and normally no astro turf or protective padding is required. Score-keeping is complicated and requires its own post.]


Not, you understand, that I've actually ever met a woman who passionately liked all five of those things.
But I consider all of them pretty important.
The five of them together pretty much guarantee a happy relationship.
Gotta have most of them. At least four.


Cuddle-dozing, bathing, humpies, history, and dictionaries.


I thought this explanation was self-explanatory, but he remained querulous.
He couldn't understand the dictionary thing at all, what kind of dictionaries? What? Languages, OED, etymological, specialized vocabularies? No, that's quite as dull as history!
She should speak English - all that other stuff is boring.

There were further questions.

'Alcohol is not desirable. Especially not beer!'

"But I like beer!"

'Nice women do not quaff beer! And neither should you - have you ever smelled beer breath? It's disgusting!'


I'm not sure he understood this new and shocking concept. Drinking beer was traditional when watching the game.
He really likes beer, he really likes the game. Surely the ideal woman would also?

'Nice women do NOT watch the game - they aren't into burly-men sports.
The closest they might come is humpies (see previous mention), and that, strictly speaking, is not competitive. Drop the damned beer!'



Apparently the beer stays. In lieu, as he puts it, of history and dictionaries.

That other stuff is probably okay, but he insists upon a woman who drinks beer and watches the game.
Those are the condiciones sine non quibus of his wish-list.

I don't think he really wants an ideal woman, he wants a skank.
He should have no problem finding one.
Even without expert advice.


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13 comments:

Johann said...

I'm quoting direct from a post on my FB wall:

"Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.
Leo Buscaglia"

While I agree with you, he does have a point...

Anonymous said...

At some point your qualification process is narrowed. You simply place a mirror in front of her face, if it fogs up we have it; a life support system for vagina.

Kevin

The back of the hill said...

Nope. Too simplistic.
Being able to maintain a conversation, and being good company, are essential requirements. So are a more than adequate level of literacy, plus decent behaviour, manners, and considerateness.
These are absolutely essential.

I have no intention of messing with someone who doesn’t meet the essential requirements.
Anything less is not a relationship.
And almost certainly not even a friendship.

Can one even have dinner with someone who doesn’t have anything to say, is not good to be with, hardly ever reads anything other than instructional manuals, beauty mags, and cliffs notes, does not act properly, lacks manners, and is inconsiderate?
Why would one want to?
And what on earth would induce one to spend any time at all with such a person?

The back of the hill said...

And that thing about mirrors fogging up reminds me of the golden retriever of a friend. A very nice bitch (female dog), very affectionate. But enchanted by the hallway mirror. Stands there for minutes at a time, just looking at the nice doggie.
Then the mirror fogs up. And she barks and wags her tail, trying to get the nice doggie’s attention again.

One cannot have a conversation with a golden retriever.
They lick, they yip, they break things.
Drool in front of mirrors.
Bad breath.
Plus, in this city, you have to pick up poo when you walk your dog.
A meaningful relationship has to have more.

The back of the hill said...

Again, licking and yipping.
Drool, and golden retriever breath.
Lots of face time.
That’s how I know.

Instead, I'll just keep popping my head over the snow drifts with a hopefull expression, looking for charsiu.

I was told that there would be charsiu.

Anonymous said...

The ideal woman has a lot in common with charsiu?

The back of the hill said...

To Anonymous at 3:28 AM:

Indeed she does. Vibrant good taste, juiciness, and infinite appeal.

Either that, or charsiu is perfect ideal woman bait. Come heeeeeere miss, would you like some charsiu?

Charsiu is a metaphor. Or the ideal woman is a metaphor. For charsiu.

The back of the hill said...

The rational person (man or woman) insists on a basic level of charsiuity, no matter what.

Hamhocks said...

So, have you found your nice greasy juicy lump of feminine charsiu yet? It's been what, about five years?

The back of the hill said...

Nope. Not a trace.

And yes, it has been five years.


I am surrounded by tofu.


Anonymous said...

Is it at least visually appealing tofu?

The back of the hill said...

The ideal woman is like dimsum.

There.

The back of the hill said...

What makes a woman perfect? Well, more thought about that here: The Ideal Woman Revisited.

Sort of a closer approximate, as of early November 2017.

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