Wednesday, April 06, 2011

YOUR LIFE ISN'T THAT GOOD

Some premises are just too absurd to take seriously. One of my acquaintances is convinced that social networking sites are the culmination of human development, an achievement of epic proportions.
Why, there hasn’t been anything so stupendous ever!

He probably tweets that to everyone he knows, but I wouldn’t know – I don’t twitter.
Heck, I barely even facebook.
I’ll admit that my sensibilities were formed during what more advanced humans almost certainly regard as the stone age.
Definitely BC. Before computers.

You know, there used to be a time when people read blocks of text that consisted of several hundred to several thousand words. Literally, hundreds of sentences. And they dealt with commas and colons, periods and quotation marks.

Such things were kept on external storage devices known as books.

[Also called ‘tomes’, ‘volumes’, ‘hardcovers’, ‘softcovers’, ‘printed matter’, ‘published works’, and several other unclear terms.]


I am reminded of this because of a passenger on the bus the other day.


Why DO young men air their balls?

I’m not even sure what portion of his anatomy was in contact with the seat. It wasn’t any part of his bottom, judging by where his pants were. Perhaps his lower back.
Slumped in his seat, legs spread out, pelvis thrust forward and up. For all the world as if he was presenting his testicles on a platter for adoration.
I can only assume that the damned things smelled bad and he was trying to get as far away from them as possible. Either that, or elevating them to near eye-level so that he could talk to them if the need arose.
Not that it would.
He was far too busy ‘texting’.
Probably sharing fond thoughts of his eggs with his fraternity brothers.

You never see women sitting in that position.

While I do not doubt that young ladies today also ‘text’, their postures prove that the brainless "texticle-vent" position is NOT essential to that activity.
In fact, I doubt that they hardly EVER even text about sperm factories.
Some of them may have been at near eye-level with the little fellows recently, but they do not wish to relive the moment for the entire bus ride.
It is quite likely that the occasion is not in the forefront of their minds.
Nor do they have the need to publicly lift up……… whatever it is that they have down there.

Boys, have you thought of using soap? Perhaps if you spent LESS on pizza and video games, and MORE on personal hygiene products, the need to air out your stinky friends might not be so pressing.
Everyone else might appreciate it too.
As a matter of common courtesy, decent comportment, civilized etiquette.
And standard operational cleanliness.

In fact, there are books on the subject of cleanliness, common courtesy, decent comportment, and civilized etiquette.
Tomes, even.
As well as volumes, hardcovers, softcovers, printed matter, and other published works.


AFTERTHOUGHT

You can probably understand why I do not tweet. Or text.
Using soap, reading books, and sitting upright discourage me from doing so.
And while I have little issue with anyone being at near eye-level with any part of my anatomy, public transit may not be the best place.
Plus I’d like to screen likely candidates first.
One has to be selective about these things.



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1 comment:

Boltcutters said...

Good Sir,

Please put me in the "I'm with you" column.

Sincerely,
Boltcutters

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