Wednesday, April 27, 2011

HAM SAP LO - THE CANTONESE PERVERT

One of the most useful words in any woman's vocabulary is the Cantonese term 'ham sap lo'. Which means pervert, sex maniac, leering creep, randy bastard.

In other words, a typical male.


鹹濕佬 HAAMSAPLO

Such as that third-cousin of yours who always gets collared by aunt Mildred at family get-togethers. She just won't stop yacking at him. Once she's cornered him, he's doomed.

No, she's not trying to get some action, be real.

She isn't interested in his hot young body. Truth be told, she finds skinny creeps with slicked hair rather revolting. Aunt Mildred also has strong opinions about arse-hugging blue jeans - only men with tight buns and well-muscled torsos should wear them. Not greasy lizards lacking definition.
The idea of him touching her, even if NO lust is involved, fair turns her stomach.

Now, if he was bronzed and buff, she'd tackle him right there, at the buffet.
Rip his clothes right off, and bite him, fiercely growling. Good lord, she'd probably rape the poor man! Sweep the chips, dips, and punch bowl right onto the floor crash tinkle, slap him down on the table, and straddle him yelling "giddy up", bucking like a bronco.
We'd all be horrified.
Utterly fascinated too, because despite her age she's still swelteringly hot.
Mostly horrified.

But he's none of that. He's a stick insect with hair gel and bad clothing choices.

She's hogging his company to keep him away from the attractive women.
Like your various nieces. Sweet innocent girls, all fresh rosy faced and bodies like a bowl of fruit.
Would you look at those tangerines!
Gorgeous young things.

You know what he'd like to do with them, don't you? No, he probably wouldn't have the guts to even suggest it - uncle Louis would probably bash his brains out with a two by four - but he'd look at them. That look. The look that undresses a female like a piece of meat being oiled and studded with garlic before being trussed and brutally shoved into the hot oven. A nice Sunday roast, tender herbed lamb, with eggplant and bell peppers, rice pilaf, and a lovely crisp green salad.
The look of a dirty old man, keenly appreciative of feminine beauty, hungering for a feel.


Touch touch touch touch touch touch!


His fingers tingle in their presence, he starts speaking with a drool.

Nauseating!

You don't want mayhem at family gatherings, do you? Aunt Mildred is taking one for the team, leave her be.
If she drives him to drink or drives him up the wall, it's all good.
At least she's having fun, and he's miserable.

Psychological torture - it's the secret to harmony at family events.



鹹濕佬 A RANCID WET FELLOW

Haam (鹹): Salty, fishy, frowsty. Like dried fish (鹹魚), perspiration, or unwashed clothes.
Sap (濕): Wet, moist, damp. Juicy, humid. Like trembling pervert hands, or sweaty armpits.
Lo (佬): male individual. Man, male person, dude.
The term hamsaplo evokes stale pizza, moist and quivering perversion, an oily wet quality.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly: 

LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's f**king 7am. Why aren't you sleeping, or at the very least, staring blankly into a cup of coffee.? It's too early to be blogging.

The back of the hill said...

Because I got up before six. Cappucino at café around corner. Vacant computer on table no. three. Still twenty dollars left on card for using computer.
Hot young thing at next table all bleary-eyed, staring at vibrator store across street.
Can you say wired to the gills?
Good thing I’m not wearing just a bathrobe.

Anonymous said...

Brother you have been writing about sex a lot. Must not be getting any. Good! Misery loves company.

Kevin

The back of the hill said...

Haven't had any in so long I'd throw stones at it.

Too picky, I guess.

A really hot girl said...

As long as you don't turn into a 麻甩仔.

Oh wait, at your age that would be 叔. 麻甩叔.

But I bet you are anyway at least half way hum sup.

The back of the hill said...

麻甩氣 has never been my modus operandi. A certain amount of 蘭迪精神 is within, but I've always been an expert at hiding my inner 鹹濕精。

內部 always remains 內部。

詭秘,謹慎和外交。

鹹濕佬 said...

This has become a thing: 油膩男,油膩的中年猥瑣男人。[Cantonese: 'Yau nei dik jung nin wai so naam yan'.]

Search This Blog

WARMTH, PASSION, AND THE DODO

One of the all-time best lines I ever wrote on this blog was "there is no rampant perversion here, I need to stress that". Friends...