Wednesday, April 05, 2023


The turkey vulture is insisting, positively demanding even, that I heat up one of the apple turnovers. He claims (without presenting any testimony to that effect other than his own), that ALL turkey vultures LOVE hot apple turnovers. Even those poor benighted birds flapping their way miserably over the salt flats and marshes to the north.

When I express doubts about this, and state that I am baffled as to how this was conveyed to him, he points out that turkey vultures are internet literate. He uses it daily for research, and key information and messages are conveyed by e-mails. Which he explains as a legion of trained rats with scrolls strapped to their backs.

And that is why it's everywhere.
Intelligent trained rats.
Highly efficient.

Rats are the lubrication of commerce.
Modern society and the industrial age, he says, cannot be envisioned without rats. They are fundamental to the process. Highly social creatures with a Protestant work ethic and strong organizational skills.

The proof is that the most technologically advanced nations all famously make cheese. Rats are paid in cheese. Without cheese for the rats the wheels of commerce would grind to a halt. Lord help us if the rats go on strike. The unpaid out cheese would soon litter our landscapes in mountainous piles and stink us all out of house and home.

He demands to know why I, a Dutchman, do not grasp this.
Clearly I am defective, possibly even stupid.
Now microwave that apple turnover!
And make it snappy!
Clog boy!

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