A REGRET FOR PAST TEXTS
I may have been overly optimistic. It turned out that several pipe smokers actually were Republicans or rednecks, quite a few also favoured cigars, and a huge number had tattoos. Harley Davidson tats, shipwrecked sailors, heavy metal logos, goth-o-keltoid dragons, and similar exemplifications of crappy taste, unsound judgment, and enduring juvenile delinquency.
And there is also a "Christian Pipe Smokers Group".
Let's look at that list again, shall we?
1. Cigar-smokers tend to look like Winston Churchill, drunk, whereas pipe-smokers resemble Rhett Butler, sober.
2. A man with a pipe radiates creativity and gravitas; cigars advertise deep-seated Oedipal issues.
3. Pipe-smokers have a youthful vigour at any age; some of them still dance the foxtrot.
4. Cigarette smokers are known to steal from their mom's purse when desperate.
5. Pipe-smokers rarely have tattoos and never get out of bounds, ever.
6. Pipe-smokers overwhelmingly vote for the right candidate.
7. When you light up a cigarette, an angel weeps.
8. Cigar-smokers rip the wings off kittens.
9. Pipe-smokers are good listeners.
10. Pipe smokers love to provide fresh lobsters, oysters, melted butter, and champagne to sweet young ladies with smiling faces, intelligent eyes, and quirky intellects. Or bacon.
Sadly, reality has hit me in the face. Several pipe-smokers look like crap in a bucket or dustbunny zombies. Some look like ponces. Pierced ponces. What many of them radiate is neuroses and overwhelming noodginess.
As far as youthful vigour is concerned I may have overestimated my own balls, I definitely exaggerated the energy of my peers. And everything, EVERYTHING!, in point number ten leads to gout or dyspepsia.
My main flaw was, of course, not taking the appeal of pipe smoking to antisocial eccentrics into account; I judged by my own self, in various iterations between acquiring my first briar as a timorous youth till my current debonair and sometimes grumpy maturity.
I do not have tattoos, or a middle-aged spread. Not a fan of Harley Davidson bikes. I am not a Christian, Republican, or Redneck.
But many of today's pipe smokers are different. Not only are sickening aromatic mixtures the largest selling category of pipe tobacco, but piercings and tattoos are quite probably as common among modern pipe men as bucket-guts and repulsive chin-shrubbery.
Smokers of Latakia mixtures or nice Virginia and Perique concoctions, such as myself, tend to be trim and restrained individuals, and rather civilized. We are equitable, balanced, and commendably sensible.
Aromatic fans have personalities as over-the-top as their nauseating blends, or choice of coffee-bar drinks. Hazelnut Mango Vanilla sherbet ventis, with low-fat whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
Young lady, please be advised that Republicans and Christians are entirely unsuitable, whether they are cigar smokers (as many of them are), or pipe smokers. Most cigar smokers are considerably fatter and nastier than most pipe smokers, and vulgarians to boot, but in this day and age there are many pipe smokers who are actually cigar smokers in drag.
You do not ever want to date any of those people.
If not 鹹濕 then probably 麻甩叔.
On the other hand, a mature Dutch American without a paunch, who has a snarky sense of humour, is quite the catch. That he smokes clean tobacco in his pipe is icing on the cake. It shows good taste and a sound mind.
Not all of are like that
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