PERFECTLY PLEASANT REDNESS

One of the glandered old fossils in the garbage room at work (where there is a teevee) is an appalling apologist for every reprehensible klootzak in the Republican Party, which seemingly consists entirely of baby killers and kitten torturing deviants with small penises -- and not that there's anything wrong with that, to quote Seinfeld sarcastically -- but he actually does have one minor redeeming feature; he likes spicy. As a consumer of hot sauces he's probably an anomaly in his sleepy suburban burg, and the neighborhood children throw stones at him.

At least I should jolly well hope so.

But that's not the point.

It wasn't until the late eighties or so that spice and chilipaste became accepted in California, though only in urban areas, because underneath our liberal facade we're actually a bunch of frightful conservatives and puritans here. Which is why you should never visit the hinterland; that's where the human centipede and the Donner party live. Lassen, Modoc, and Placer.
All of which are vile and virtually Alabamaesque in their loathsomeness.
Also where syphilis is more common than the common cold.
Although usually kept within the family.

I've been there a few times. I got indigestion.

A few years ago when I took a train trip to Washington, the train stalled for several hours on the California Oregon border, somewhere in the mountains. I was the afraid that the yokels would lynch us when they woke up in the morning. Despite (or because) of their hangovers from swilling sixpacks of Coors and Michelob the previous evening at the dog fights.


It should be explained at this point that Sriracha Chili Sauce is neither Vietnamese nor Thai, having been invented by a Chinese refugee from Vietnam, in Southern California, named after a vacation town on his bucket list. The company which he started has the name of the Taiwanese freighter that found him drifting in the South China Sea and picked him up. Two of the other sauces he made were Sambal Oelek and Sambal Badjak, for Dutch-Indo exiles in the Los Angeles area. That last does not appear to be produced anymore.

So screw all those imitations from overseas, there is only ONE Sriracha Chili Sauce.
Made largely with red ripe Jalapeños harvested in Mexico.


Sambal badjak (pirate sambal) is actually very easy to make at home. Take a generous cupful of sambal oelek (mortar sambal) and half a dozen shallots, a few of cloves garlic, five or six kemiri nuts (which can be left out if unavailable), and a thumb of galangal or ginger, with a dollop of shrimp paste and a teaspoon to a tablespoon of palm sugar or regular sugar, and whirr all these to a paste in the food processor. Then dump in the skillet with enough oil to keep it from sticking. Cook while stirring till it is dense and dark brown in colour and smells toasty. The key idea is that the shallots have caramelized and the water content of everything has been largely removed, so that it's rather oily, and will easily keep. Used as a table condiment, optionally with a squeeze of lime.

You should probably be careful doing this, especially in the hinterlands, because neighbors may come banging on your door demanding that you surrender your visitors as they wish to know them. Even if you explain that you do not have a Levite and his concubine in your abode, nor teenage daughters, they will not be satisfied.


ICE might come knocking at your door too.
Looking for foreigners.



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