Tuesday, November 07, 2017


Over six years ago I wrote an essay entitled "The Ideal Woman", which has been viewed rather a lot. Not as much as my screed about Clan pipe tobacco, or especially the encyclopedic listing of dimsum items with their names in Chinese and pronunciation, which is still the all-time most read post on this site (*), but it's still pretty darn popular.


Like any such article written by a man, especially a bachelor, it presents a very slanted view of things. At that time I said: "The ideal woman likes cuddle-dozing, bathing, humpies, history, and dictionaries."

Which is not insane, but I could just as well have said that the ideal woman is like dimsum, compact and juicy. Or that she likes Hello Kitty as an ironic statement expressing her disdain for the superficialistic search for meaningful inoffensiveness in a harsh impersonal world.

[Full disclosure: I like dimsum very much, and I have a few Hello Kitty items because a middle-aged man with a Hello Kitty backpack for his pipes and tobacco expresses an ironic disdain for the meaningful inoffensiveness that permeates much of society. Okay?]

There is no objective definition of the ideal woman.
It is, necessarily, always entirely subjective.
And frequently queer.

From my standpoint, the ideal woman is not nearly as old as I am, lives nearby, has graduated from college, is possessed of a strong sense of right and wrong (albeit leavened with considerable tolerance and commonsense), has a great sense of humour, loves dimsum, and wears spectacles.

An ability to interact with stuffed animals is essential.

The ideal woman also has no bad habits. In which we understand that moderation is a key concept, so smoking and drinking are perfectly alright provided they don't extend to the point of regret. Huffing a pack a day and swilling enough to be sick are right out, tattoos are too, and any form of illicit substance use is seen as a negative.

This definition is entirely subjective and self-reflective. I smoke a pipe, occassionally have a drink, have never gotten a tattoo, and eschew illegal substances entirely, considering people who indulge in such things to be unstable, unreliable, potentially criminal, and weak in the head.


She will like cuddle-dozing, bathing, humpies, history, and dictionaries. She is rather like dimsum(!), and while she may not actually be into Hello Kitty, she appreciates the snarky gestalt. She lives to the east of the Fillmore, north of Market Street. She is ethical, witty, culinarily open-minded.
Has no tattoos. And doesn't do drugs.

The ideal woman is intelligent, kind, and stubborn.

And is okay with pipe tobacco.

If I had been born a woman, I don't know if I could be all of those things; it seems rather a lot, doesn't it? But I think I should like dimsum, and possibly be okay with pipe tobacco.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

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