Wednesday, December 14, 2011


There's a provocative article over at Dovbear’s place, about the anonymous Stern girl (hereafter referred to as TASG) who wrote a letter that was published in a school newspaper about having had first-time sex and afterwards regretting it.

[FYI, Stern College is the female division of Yeshiva University. The student in question
identifies herself as a 20-year-old modern Orthodox Jewish woman.]

No, I haven't read the letter, and I have no intention of doing so.
For two reasons: 1). I doubt that it says anything new, and 2). I doubt that it says anything interesting.

People have premarital sex all the time, and the first time anyone has sex is frequently not as they imagined it, nor as wonderful as it was expected to be.
And a number of people will, inevitably, consider it all a ghastly mistake, if not a grim comedy of errors.

The lucky few may however consider it a wonderfully funny episode, and pursue matters further.

Dovbear penned an open letter to TASG, but also to all others with similar situations.


Dear TASG:

So you had some sex, and it wasn't very good. That's often how it goes at first. As with everything, practice helps. Apart from the disappointment you are feeling about the act itself, I understand that you're upset with yourself. That's also normal.

In fact, it might make you feel better to hear that everything about you, and your experience, are completely normal. Stern girls - even the "good" ones - have premarital sex. Some of them are curious and choose to experiment with a friend or some other suitable candidate; others are in long-term relationships with men they expect to marry and prefer not to postpone the inevitable. Afterwards, even the best-adjusted people doubt themselves. Some fear they may have offered to much, too quickly; others worry about God; still others do as you seem to have done, and wonder Is this the kind of person I am?


One semi-drunken act in a hotel room doesn't define you."


[Read his entire post, including the full version of his letter, here: Open letter to TASG.]

He's right. And it's a good letter.
But I wouldn't be the opinionated middle-aged man that I am if I didn't think that more could be said.
Particularly for people contemplating that first time.

"One semi-drunken act doesn't define you"

In hindsight many people have some regrets about their first sexual experience, and especially women seem so afflicted. Often that's because the reaction of their partner was not what they expected, nor did the experience match the enormous hoopla, and tension at the time affected their enjoyment.
Hence, of course, the reference to a semi-drunken act; alcohol is frequently employed to screw up courage.

That right there is usually the wrong move.

The first sexual experience should be a sober decision.

Think it over ahead of time, and bring a tooth-brush and a good book to read afterwards. The first is to make sure your breath smells clean, the latter is so that you can happily cuddle in each other's warmth once the sticky bits are over.
Your partner should be similarly equipped.
Whatever you do, do NOT ask "was it good for you?"
Such a question, after the act, is rather less useful than being communicative before or during.
The datum that you like your ears nibbled is useful information.
Likewise the fact that you don't know what to do with your feet.

Whether you are male or female, your partner in this event should be a nice person with whom you will still want to associate afterwards.
Obviously, if marriage is not part of the program and your cultural or religious background looks askance at sex outside of wedlock, complete discretion from both parties is required.
This actually also holds if you are married, to each other or third parties.


We do not need to hear about the lovely mole on HER left buttock, the appalling weirdness of HIS nether regions, how odd everything felt, or about the amazing fact that BOTH of you have a third nipple.

Do not text your best friend. Unless you NEED emotional support.
Do not capture the moment on camera. Unless you are celebrities.
Do not tell everyone you know who the other person was. PERIOD.

[This goes for both parties, of whichever gender. Keep it to yourself.]

Sex in any case should never be an alcohol-fuelled spur of the moment occurrence.
Whether it is happily spontaneous and good-natured fun is up to you.
But stimulants and intoxicants are best avoided.

It helps to read fairly extensively about sex well before it actually happens.
What does his body do, what does that involve, what reactions will take place in his brain, what erogenous zones does she have, what sensations are pleasurable for her, and so on. The male orgasm and the female orgasm are not at all the same, and feelings before and after sex will differ also.
And while pregnancy can be avoided by careful awareness of her fertile phase (on average, somewhere between thirteen to sixteen days from the start of menstruation), condoms are advisable for a whole variety of reasons. Find out about such matters beforehand.
Just as with medical care and legal issues, the informed consumer is an empowered consumer. A realistic idea about what to expect is better than panic, fumbling, and bafflement.

Don't rush, ignore pressure (peer or otherwise), and choose the moment.

I recommend a long lazy weekend afternoon involving chocolate.
Don't forget the toothbrush and the book.
Go out to eat afterwards.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

No comments:

Search This Blog


It seemed an echo of a Shanghainese place on Parkes Street in Jordan. Which is in Hong Kong. The combination of snow vegetable and pork shre...