Sunday, December 11, 2011


The other day I saw a gentleman smoking a pipe which was a truly classic variant on a traditional shape.
A lovely piece of wood, well-turned, of balanced proportion.
And judging by the stamping on the stem, an exceptionally old piece.
That script hasn’t been used by that company in close to a hundred years.

What I smelled, however, better suited some white-slavers divan.

Pee yew!

Gentlemen, there is no valid reason to smoke shredded Hello Kitty.

By doing that, you make any number of teenage Japanese girls desperately unhappy – there is now one less Hello Kitty in this world, oh woe! – and you make any number of people with good taste unhappy too.
It is a grievous sin to do so.

The effect on rabid non-smokers is immaterial. Who cares about them anyway.

But I’m sure you would like to keep the teenage Japanese Hello Kitty girlies happy – they squeal so prettily – and you absolutely need to keep us people of good taste happy too – we are much inclined towards violence when we smell smoldering harlot kittens.
Plus you need us to ‘get your back’ for you, when the rabid non-smokers roam the streets snapping and yowling, and in all ways resembling the coming of the zombie apocalypse.
We’ll clobber them for you. Provided you dump that funky fruitcake abortion that some ethically challenged poor excuse for a tobacconist fobbed off on you.

Please smoke a good tobacco.
Your health depends on it.


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Anonymous said...

"white slavers divan"? Where might one apply for the position of "white slaver"? What exactly are the requirements and why does one have to smoke funny tobacco to do it?

The back of the hill said...

White Slaver: term for kidnappers and human traffickers during the Victorian Era and later, active in England and Western Europe. Their young female victims were sold to Ottoman officials and Arab notables.
Nowadays, of course, the Turks sell Balkan women into sexual bondage in London, Paris, and Hamburg. Though no doubt a fair percentage still end up in Turkey and the Arab World.
Shisha (“funny tobacco”) is usually of such dubious quality that the only way to make it palatable is to sauce it up with sugary fruit extracts and sweet flavours, for smoking in a hooka (‘nargile’). Products that reek thus are a sign of depravity – such as, for instance, a Turkish trader in woman flesh perfectly exemplifies.

If you are serious about that career change, the first step would be to acquire a fez and the mannerisms of Sydney Greenstreet in some of his more notable roles.

An evil sneer also helps.

Anonymous said...

Hello Kitty!

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