Going to put off seeing the new Muppet Movie for a while, despite burning curiosity about the further adventures of my favourite frog fuelled by the two opposing reviews posted under last week’s mention of the movie.
[Both e-kvetcher and Midianite Manna commented. He was incredibly disappointed, she loved the movie. I respect both of their opinions.]
Reason being that I don't often go to movies by myself.
Which, unfortunately, means that I don't go to movies much at all.
And this movie, which caters to an audience which takes childlike pleasure in the shenanigans of a bunch of short maladjusted fuzzy raging individualists - nay, an audience that probably includes a large number of actual children taking that pleasure - is not a movie that you go to alone.
Not if you're a mature man. It looks weird.
Single male in the back of a theatre during a children's movie?
Call the cops! Clobber him with a handbag!
He's probably a football coach.
Which, precisely, is why I need a young lady to go with me.
One of my friends has quite the opposite problem. He actually HAS a young lady.
I've never met her, but I fear she might be wasted on my friend.
His idea of dinner and a movie is a slaughter-fest with Schwarzenegger, followed by piles of grilled meat at a grease-pit in the Mission District. Spicy loins and ribs!
He lamented the other day that his young lady did not like barbecue.
And did I have any ideas for changing her mind?
Dude, you're asking me? I don't know nuthin' about young ladies!
I'm single! They're a purely hypothetical concept!
Nevertheless he persevered. He respected my experience, my insight, and my wisdom regarding these matters.
And most especially he esteemed my profound knowledge of food.
[Translation: he thought that a man whose one long-term involvement had evaporated was probably the worst person to ask for relationship advice (true), but he knew that food was one of the subjects on which I just cannot shut up (alas also true).]
Did I know any way to make spicy blackened beef tolerable to his woman?
Because, you see, it went so well with beer.
"What does SHE want to eat?"
"Actually, she never has an appetite after we've been to the movies. But I guess sushi."
You know, I can understand her problem. After watching a blood, guts, and gore film, I too don't have much of an appetite, but the idea of greasy burnt bovine is particularly unappealing at such times.
Also, if the young lady doesn't like barbecue to begin with, it is extremely self-centered to keep pushing it.
Same probably goes for that splatter-fest at the Roxie.
It's actually rather disturbing that he likes violent movies so, but many men do. It's a macho inferiority complex, coupled with a lack of cultural depth.
That, probably, also explains all those Sunday afternoons with greasy grub in front of the boob-tube, watching the Pittsburgh Wombats batter the Los Angeles Butterflies, or whatever those teams are called.
Hooting, beer, lots of hot sauce, and animalistic grunting.
Any time he yells "rip their heads off", whether at a war movie or while watching the game, probably does not inspire romantic inclinations.
Wouldn't be surprised if his young lady dumps him within the year, once she's taken a good hard look at his typical faux-matcheau hobbies and past-times.
Hoot, hoot, and grunt.
What he really must do is endeavor to find out what kind of movies and books she likes, what food she prefers, and what she would REALLY like to do.
It ain't a date unless she has a nice time.
Without stress, frustration, or strain.
That she mentioned sushi is a good start. There are a number of very nice sushi places which she would probably like, as well as many other eateries where a couple might have a civilized bite in a good atmosphere. And maybe, just maybe, the combination of movie and dinner is a bit much to pack into one evening. Save the movie for a matinée on a weekend, and just take her to a good restaurant, after which, instead of going to a club and getting hammered, the two of them should just walk and talk.
No problem doing it all, but not all of it at once. Showing a woman a good time does NOT mean jampacking all possible thrilling adventures into one evening.
And it should NOT include an unsuitable movie and he-man dining.
Show appreciation for what she gives, relish her company, share generously.
So all I told him was that he should listen to her. Really listen.
Because I doubt he would listen to me. Seeing as I have no food advice.
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