Wednesday, June 24, 2009

CHILD SAFETY

One of my friends is presently strapped for time because of a child-safety seminar that he must organize. I feel for him, and to do my part to lighten his burden, I take it upon myself to speak briefly on the subject. I hope that he will find my expertise useful.

Child safety is very important. Most new parents, AND many educators, tend to overlook the obvious. Here are what I consider the most important child safety rules or tips.


20 CHILD SAFETY PROTOCOLS

1. Do not open wrong end.
2. Do not operate while driving.
3. Always wear gloves.
4. Avoid contact with eyes.
5. Contents under pressure.
6. Any part can be an off-switch - just twist.
7. Do not feed after mid-night.
8. May discolour upon impact.
9. Check for defects ere purchase.
10. Removal of cover invalidates warranty.
11. Contents shift during transit.
12. May cause temporary insanity.
13. Do not use on hard surfaces.
14. Can not be used as a car alarm.
15. Dispose of properly.
16. Lock up between use.
17. Store in a cool dark place.
18. Sterilize frequently.
19. Sugar already included.
20. Discard if damaged or loud.


With proper precautions it should last a lifetime. All warranties expire once ambulation has taken place. For maximum enjoyment you may wish to delay that moment as long as possible - use horse tranquilizers (any popular brand - ask your vet for recommendations).
Also note that the product interferes with sleep - earplugs and restraints are highly recommended.
Obey local leash laws.
That is all.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You sick basterd!!!!!!!!!

Spiros said...

Use Horse Tranquilizers...on one's self, or the Child?

The back of the hill said...

You sick basterd!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

The back of the hill said...

Use Horse Tranquilizers...on one's self, or the Child?

Yes.

The back of the hill said...

Both.

Anonymous said...

Dude, all you need to stay safe around children is a can of Raid and a cattle prod.

Spiros said...

I have childproofed my house, and yet somehow the little buggers keep getting in.

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Personally, I prefer electronics. A bug zapper.

But if larger than a hamster, utilize leather straps and glue-strips.


---Grant Parentalcontrols

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Or you could just drug the little sods.


--Grant Publicschoolspanking

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