Thursday, June 25, 2009

LAMENTING MICHAEL JACKSON

Apparently, I was wrong. I had heard from VERY reliable sources that Michael Jackson died screaming "oh no, I'm melting, I'm melting" after being inadvertently splashed with water.
So had several other people (approximately 22% of respondents), but it turns out that such is NOT the case.
I apologize. We were wrong, I admit it, and it SO won't happen again.

Michael Jackson swallowed his nose and choked to death. It was accidental.

This per a decisive 51.50% of respondents.


WRONG TOO!

That means all of you who were certain that he had drowned in a peroxide bath were also wrong (11% of respondents), and you owe his bereaved fans an apology. So do the people who spread the evil rumour that it was direct sunlight that did him in (8.50% of respondents) - he hasn't been out in the sun for years, he has people for that.

The story about the Masonic Murder Plot involving rare allergens woven into his bedsheets, as well as the Neo-Hollywood Diet Theory (4.25% and 2.25% respectively), are also absurd. What WERE you thinking?!?
And you guys who proposed the Clarified Lard Cult theory (0.25% of respondents) are JUST PLAIN NUTS. Absolutely out of your friggen' minds.
Buncha redneck morons.


I shan't even mention the 'Venusian Breeding Programme', the 'Tennessee Younger Sister Support Group', or 'Priestly Recruitment, Inc.' - they aren't statistically important.
Crazy as a loon, but not important.
We know where you all live anyway, just in case you plan to try something later.


THE GOOD NEWS: WE FINALLY GET ELVIS BACK!


Yes, it was hard without him for thirty! two! long! years! - but since we elected Obama, they have changed their opinion of us, and decided to make do with Michael instead. Such a relief. Yay.

16 comments:

Spiros said...

Weird, of course.

Telmac said...

not exactly regarding this, but regarding celebrity death, if you hear that jeff blumkfeld, and harrison ford have dead, then that persons mouth is not a mouth but rather the wrong end of a male cow.

Anonymous said...

too funy man

Kevin

Gentile Ben said...

Are you kidding? He obviously staged his own death to run off and join the circus!
Sheez!

Mike at Sam's Pizza said...

Balderdash!

He's alive and well, and blowing sailors for candy and spare change!

This is well known.

Anonymous said...

The Jews killed him because he was making world peace. You know this is true.

The back of the hill said...

Okay. That's goofy enough that I'll bite. Please substantiate this remarkable assertion.

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Michael Jackson actually died of a drug overdoese - tonic of youth, kinda like the tonic of immorality the ancient emperorors used. Is well known only!


---Grant Perspicantus

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Oh baadzooks and fudgit! Youare STILL using that buggery comment screen conceptum. Faugh!
Dull prick.


---Gronston Podangle

awestruckedly amphibious said...

I didn't know Mel Gibson followed this blog!

The back of the hill said...

tonic of youth, kinda like the tonic of immorality

I shall not speculate on what precisely you mean by tonic of youth - I personally don't find them that tonifying.... intellectually interesting, okay, and sometimes stimulating, but tonifying, no, not harldy - but regarding the tonic of immorality, I doubt, I sincerely doubt, that Micheal Jackson needed any help on that score.

He married Lisa Marie Presley, lets not forget. That says buckets.

The back of the hill said...

And Valium, Xanax or Ativan do not qualify as tonics. Unless you are administering them, not taking them personally.
Don't ask.

Anonymous said...

I entertain no doubt that had I met Farah Fawcett as a kid and she simply smiled at me, I would have come in my pants. Instantly.

And these days a mere smile is not enough. The erotica of a simple smile has been replaced with unnecessary smut. The end times? No.

Perhaps the loss of beauty though.

GRANT!PATEL! said...

He was opened at the wrong end and not disposed of properly.

Much use may cause temporary inanity.

Like all children.


---Grandly Riffing

GRANT!PATEL! said...

They should've stored him in a cool dark place and not taken him out of his wrapping. Like a collector's item. He discolored on exposure to strong light. And children.


---Grooble Pontoon

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Oh heck. Just the biggest durn weirdo in showbiz. The elephant man? Bwoohahahahahah!



---Gremeur Prestonlogs

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