WHEN BEEF IS NOT AN OPTION

For years I had a full-colour picture on the refrigerator door of the egg bacon cheeseburger donutwich. Which wasn't on my bucket list, but did represent an intellectual ideal of beauty. It disappeared one day, and now all that's left are Stephan Pastis' cartoons involving bad wordplays. Cringeworthy, at times, but no less beautiful.

So of course on a whim I typed 'Eggs Benedict Burger' into my browser, and did an image search. The result was delicious food porn.

Big! Patties! Of juicy! Grilled meat!
Gloopy cascades of Bearnaise.
Strips of crispy bacon.
And gluten.

Goes well with a pint of Riesling or Elbling.

As well as "The French Toast Benny Burger" at Slater's, described quite lovingly so: "breakfast sausage patty, chipotle Hollandaise, Canadian bacon, sunny-side up egg, spinach, on sourdough French toast".

Your dietician, as well as your ditzy Vegan boyfriend, will be righteously offended when you eat it. Devour it. Luxuriate in its greasy heart-stopping goodness. Celebrate the resurrection of a mythical space alien by creating this sacrifice in your shared kitchen, sending a cloud of delicious meaty fragrance from the communal stove top through the dormitory. Perhaps chanting a mantra: "where's the beef, bitches, where's the beef?"

"Breakfast sausage, chipotle Hollandaise, bacon, egg, spinach, sourdough French toast ... "

Because, of course, it is entirely beef-free.
Sausage patties are made of pork.
My life is much richer now.
I found the grail.


For extra goodness, have a big plate of sliced avocado, garlic-gruyère-fries, and Sriracha hot sauce on the side. Avocado is healthy.


Girl, you're wearing sunglasses, it's dark, there's half a pack of cigarettes, a full tank of gas, and over a hundred miles. Hit it!


April 16 is 'National Eggs Benedict Day'.
Celebrate wisely, eat well.



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