KEEP EGGS OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS!
I felt that there were things you needed to know.
Saturday April 15, 10:00 AM
NEWS FLASH: In a move to pacify angry Californians, the Governor's Office has announced that the yearly Easter Egg Hunt on the grounds of the State Capitol will be replaced with a 'carrot quest', in an effort to provide "our state's children" with a heart-healthy snack that does not connote any exploitation of animals and contains no artificial colorants. The traditional chocolate candy will no longer be made available either.
Instead, quinoa roll-ups are suggested.
The Press Release clarified that anyone attempting to distribute "candy" to minors will be arrested and charged with child-endangerment. Also, there is a "safe zone" extending up to seven miles from the Capitol Grounds where tobacco, alcohol, gluten, pornography, and a comprehensive list of triggering behaviours, statements, words, and attitudes will NOT be allowed without an official permit (or government I.D.).
Medicinal herb-use excepted.
Saturday, April 15, 3:00 PM
NEWS FLASH: The Sacramento Police Department has issued a lookout for a person known as the "Bunny Bandit", suspected of pelting motorists near where the 'Governor's Annual Carrot Quest' will take place tomorrow with hard-boiled eggs. The eggs are painted in a variety of hues to disguise them, such as Red Number 40, Yellow Number 5, and Venetian Ceruse. The public is cautioned to stay away from any offending albumen.
He (or she) is dressed in a fluffy pink velour body suit.
The suspect's gender-identity is unknown.
And considered immaterial.
Extra security will be provided for Sunday's "Healthstravaganza".
Saturday, April 15, 5:42 PM
NEWS FLASH: In a response to months of activism by concerned citizens from all backgrounds, mainly Berkeley, officials have recommended that matze-brei be classified as a health hazard, due to the inclusion of gluten and what has been called "a shocking amount of heart-unhealthy butter", in addition to other dairy material, sweeteners, and processed food products.
"It's a splendid example of social responsibility" said spokesperson Priscilla ('Prissie') Codswallop, "the first step of many towards a better future".
She also announced that their next target is the avocado.
An inedible genetically modified fake fruit.
"It looks unnatural, like an egg."
Saturday, April 15, 9:36 PM
NEWS FLASH: Crowds of intoxicated fans are currently engaged in a food fight in Sleep Train Arena, having smuggled so-called "Easter Eggs" into the stadium in defiance of tight security. In a related matter, Capitol Police have recommended cavity searches of all attendees for future events. Beer sales were halted ten minutes ago and the bathrooms locked; it is hoped that this will eventually persuade the mob to leave.
Sunday, April 16, 11:42 AM
NEWS FLASH: The Governor's Annual Carrot Quest descended into chaos and mayhem today as crowds of obese youngsters fought desperately with invasive rabbits intent upon the vegetable prizes. The slow moving children were no match for the agile and aggressive leporids, whose vicious bites and powerful hind claws disemboweled a number of infants. Mothers were seen fleeing from the grounds wailing "oh the humanity" and demanding conflict resolution. They were consoled by a statement from a Buddhist Abbot offering words of peace and love.
Sunday, April 16, 4:23 PM
NEWS FLASH: The rabbit swarm in Sacramento has developed a taste for human flesh, and is heading towards the suburbs.
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