CELEBRATING WORLD NO TOBACCO DAY

As you know, today is World No Tobacco Day, which is a feel-good Puritanical event created by outer-space Vegans to persuade people that instead they should snort coke and shoot up. While eating styrofoam. As a pipe smoker and collector, I intend to celebrate it appropriately. No, not by going down the nearest grammar school and passing out ciggies, but by selecting two or three briars from the rotation and a limited edition blend to enjoy, then grumbling about modern times, health nuts, and the sanctimonious twats who think they're better than me.

Well, actually, by mostly ignoring it.

Back in the day, more doctors smoked Camels than any other cigarette. In a nation-wide study, docters all across the country, in all branches of medicine, were asked "what cigarette do you smoke, doctor?" Not surprisingly, more doctors prefer the smooth rich taste of Camels to any other cigarette. Who don't you try Camels for a month to see what a good tasting cigarette can mean for your smoking enjoyment?

Here is an innocent picture of a very nice person who probably isn't into smoking.

She probably identifies as a cat. It's a harmless fetish that helps her get through high school with the very real and ever-present fear of being shot with a high-powered assault rifle by a twenty-something white male with Nazi paraphernalia who visits far right internet sites and has mommy issues. He hasn't had a girlfriend, ever, and suffers from pick-up truck envy because of his fundamentalist Christian stepfather, as well as crippling acne because of a solid junk food diet.

He doesn't smoke. Smoking is for losers.

You know, you can wash down that baco-chicken sandwich with a big gulp of your slushee. It's a great combo. Breakfast of champions. Fit for all sparkling unicorns like you.


VLA is a pourable custard dessert very popular in the Netherlands that is usually available at stores, seldom home-made. It was invented in late mediaeval times.

SNERT is Dutch pea soup, made with a ham bone and smoked sausage chunks. Perfect for a cold Dutch winter or a San Francisco summer.

APPELFLAPPEN are apple turnovers, not significantly different from what you can get at a good bakery in the United States.

FRIKANDEL is what Dutch tourists and expats often miss most about home. Finely minced meat, binders and flavourings (garlic, paprika, thyme, pepper, ground nutmeg), formed into a sausage shape, dipped in egg white, rusk crumbs ("paneermeel"), dipped again, then deep-fried. It is very good with sharp mustard, and often served in a bread roll with chopped onions and barbecue sauce, fries on the side. Scarfing one or two of those puppies down piping hot at a fry-shack (friet kot) outside the train station on a freezing day is sheer heaven, and highly recommended.

You know what goes great after any or all of these? A cup of strong coffee, a cigarette rolled from dark ("zware") shag tobacco, and a shot of Genever. Coffee and shag are the characteristic aromas of the Netherlands.

Except for areas in Amsterdam frequented by American tourists.
And you can probably guess why that is, can't you?

If you want to identify as a cat, go ahead.
Who am I to judge you?



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