Friday, December 14, 2018


At work we have a blinky metal reindeer that must go out on the lawn every day during the festive season. Today is one of my off days, so I asked my colleague The Heckman electronically whether it had been put out.
His response was negative, captain.
Seasonally appropriate decorations are essential, and I am furious.
Never mind that it was raining, put the damned thing out!
He's an important part of the team.
As well as a giver.

Without Rudolph the Rusty providing a warm and seasonally appropriate welcome to our visitors, it just isn't Christmas. We'll be forced to say "Happy holidays, bitches" instead of wishing the bitches a "Merry Christmas", all meaning will depart, and the outrage will be greater than Fox News and the U.S. Border Patrol teargassing pilgrims and performing child sacrifice.

Dingbat David will call us all godless communists and leftards.

Well, in the case of The Heckman, he's darn right.

I can't think of a greater heathen.

Put. Out. The. Reindeer.

Tomorrow, when I come in to work, I want to see blood on the lawn.

Do you think I want 'David the Ranting Republican' inviting the Protestant Inquisition down on us? Statues of fat men and rabid reindeer are what this time of year is all about, and cigar smokers more than anyone understand that for the past two years the phrase "merry Christmas" is obligatory. Without Rudolph the Rusty, it's just "happy holidays", and nobody wants that. Happiness should be out of the picture entirely.

Krampus gonna get you.
Or David.

You effing Stalinist.

Betcha even the evil hobbit who smokes Tatuaje Coronas Gordas Negro will be upset. Please reassure him that it wasn't your love of Hillary Clinton that inspired this temporary lapse.

The Christmas Season is about over-eating Chinese food, something-or-other how new kah, and tetanus because of Rudolph. As well as glitter on your sweater and blood on the grass.

If you don't do it, the Commies will win.
And the Golden State Warriors lose.
No Superbowl this year.
No Baby Jesus.

And White Folks Tacos. Nothing but White Folks Tacos for twelve solid months. With only Newman's Own Salsa and Pace "Picante".

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