WHAT TO LOOK FOR

A meme going the rounds lists several male behaviours that tell a woman what kind of man to avoid. The list is totally predictable -- abusiveness, lies, drugs, and republicanism -- but misses the point. Likewise any article that similarly details female behaviour will also be rather pointless.
Anyone who needs that may not be able to think.
And should ab initio be shunned.


So, without further ado, here's my list.


TEN CRUCIAL WARNING SIGNS

1. If he or she uncovers any part of their anatomy and starts massaging it in a bar, they should be avoided. Especially if she then asks in a serious tone "are you threatened by my femininity?"
This happened sometime in the nineties, and I'm still repulsed. It may have contributed to my distaste for blondes and big breasts, I don't know.

2. If he or she puts a hand on your thigh and massages, it may be time to yell that you've devoted yourself to Jesus and stab him or her with a fork. Also in the nineties, and I regret not carrying a fork at the time.
I still don't habitually carry a fork with me.

3. If she comes to your hotel room at three o'clock in the morning and offers to commit indecent acts in return for drug money, you may want to start gibbering and gently close the door in her face.
Nineties, again. Residential hotel.

4. If a man calls you "little girl" and offers you candy. Although this one is perhaps doubtful when you are older than him, even more so when you are the same gender or have a beard. Insanity, in a safe (i.e., public) place, with sober witnesses, might be entertaining.
It's up to you, I'm not judging.

5. If you've seen someone drunkenly staggering home with two large pizzas, and their flabby gut hanging out, do not offer to share the pizza.
Pizza means more to them than you can imagine.
Gender is not important here.
Pizza is.

6. If someone hates your cat. It's not always the cat's fault.
Stop blaming the cat for everything.

7. When someone has an imaginary cat that they blame for everything.

8. Methamphetamine, energy drinks, and vaping.

9. Cars, cigars, and skeevy bars.

10. Jesus.


I am a useful man, and full of advice.


THINGS THAT ARE VERY GOOD

1. Talks to people instead of looking at a cellphone. This means he or she is socially adept, and probably capable of holding a conversation.

2. Smokes a pipe with non-perfumy tobacco. Always indicative of clean solid habits and thoughtfulness. Possible he or she is scholarly, but in any case they're capable of listening, what with their mouth being occupied.
He or she is a wise person whom you would do well to cultivate.

3. Drinks tea regularly. It helps flush toxins out of the system, keeps a person hydrated, and awakens one to the tasks ahead.
It's a very good habit.

4. Does not habitually sing karaoke. In nearly twenty years I was moved to sing at a karaoke bar only five times, which I and the very few witnesses still alive have regretted ever since. There were only two songs.
All my exes live in Texas, and 月亮代表我的心 。
It won't happen again, I promise.

5. Speaks foreign languages. This means that when they swear, it is less intelligible or likely to cause offense, and more educational too.

6. Understands Dutch. A very useful thing, that.

7. Bathes on a daily basis. This one is self-explanatory. Really, do I have to go into details? Men and women both are equally much more likable if they do not smell too funky. There is a reason that reformatories, British public schools, Catholic seminaries, and the Girls Scouts of the USA all insist that their victims take showers.

8. Is open to interesting food, and does not think ethnic cuisine begins and ends with pizza. So members of fraternities and sororities are right out, as are most Mid-Westerners.

9. Will never be an investment banker or programmer.

10. Good at making lists.


Relationships are a lot like 'The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin', with a dose of 'Monty Python’s Flying Circus' thrown in for good measure.
Sometimes a woman is like a Hungarian buying cigarettes.
Or a man's hovercraft is inexplicably full of eels.
Avoid Whoopie Cushions.





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