KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE THE COVERS
When I was growing up in Europe, we didn't have ANY anti-masturbation dolphins. We were deprived. Consequently there are horrible self-doubts that I have never been able to shake since returning to the United States.
Strange images of fish with glowing angel wings. Sorry.
Phoenix is a remarkable place.
One day I will visit.
"Late last night, a Phoenix police officer broke into a local YMCA during a meeting for Christians who are striving to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. The officer’s intentions was to save the organization’s dolphin mascot from a burning fire."
Commendable. Save the dolphins.
"When police arrived to arrest 41-year-old Tom Downey of the Phoenix Police Department, they found the man naked, running around in circles and chasing after the group’s dolphin mascot. Downey told detectives he had taken a mixture of LSD, cough medicine and antifreeze earlier that day."
Points for trying, and obviously doing the right thing.
My hands are encased in vaseline-filled gloves.
"37-year-old Paul Horner, AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian organization that travels around the country educating children about the dangers and consequences of touching yourself ... "
According to Phil Freedom, who was at the Christian meeting:
"This man was just standing there, naked, staring through the glass at our room where our meeting was going on with so much anger. He then broke through the glass and started running after the dolphin, taking off the mascot’s head and shouting obscenities. It was absolutely horrifying."
Apparently, that's "Carla’s Nice Nunnery (CNN) owned and operated by The Reverend Paul Horner"
3701 SW 12th St, Topeka, KS 66604
This particular "CNN" may not be a bona fide news source. And Fappy the Dolphin might never even have visited Phoenix. Which is sad, because one would assume that if there were an anti-masturbation dolphin, then surely there would also be a self-abuse monkey?
Probably a bonobo.
They could have a debate. Everyone loves a debate.
I grieve for great opportunities lost.
On the whole, I think masturbation is a good thing. It keeps your son away from playing war games on his computer in the basement, and seeing as most internet porn comes with malware and viruses, there's a very good chance that he won't be able to play war games again.
Perhaps he'll finally get a job? Or at least get out of the basement and go get some exercise, even if it's only walking down to the Boo King for a yummy snack every two or three hours.
He might meet somebody.
When I was a boy, we didn't have internet porn OR junk-food, and our wargames were depressingly real. Consequently we had to bicycle ten kilometers north to Eindhoven to buy smut at the porno boutique right at the junction of the Aalster Weg and the road to Leende, just before it becomes Stratumse Dijk.
Because if we shopped locally, someone might recognize us.
It was a different age back then.
We were all so innocent.
Women weren't invented until the eighties.
And they only came in one size.
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.