All in all this is rather like a bunch of wannabe gangsta rappers hooting at a pole dance. The twirly girl up on stage is unavailable, and not in their league. But she's close, so close! Sweat pearls their pimply brows.
A truly realistic person knows it ain't gonna happen.
There are still several obstacles.
"BUT WON'T THOSE SYPHILITIC BASTARDS IN CONGRESS WANT CUBANS THEMSELVES?!?"
For one thing, the embargo is still in place, and won't be lifted anytime soon. While the President and the State Department can create a smoother diplomatic relationship with our long-time enemy, it is Congress that will decide when and if to ease trade restrictions.
Given that Congress is filled with constipated hacks and ideological swine, that will probably take several months at least, even years.
"But won't the syphilitic bastards want to buy Cubans themselves?" I hear you ask. "Surely the venal thugs who run this country should like to indulge in good cigars?"
No.
Those of them that like a good smoke already have them. The embargo has not affected them in the slightest, and has in fact added an exclusiveness and mystique to the cheroots they flaunt.
Their aides and friends already have them parcelled in from tobacconists in Switzerland, Spain, and Australia. At prices which are not out of line with other cigars in any case, with reasonable guarantees that the supplier will refund or replace any that get seized by the authorities. They've got their sources, the embargo does not affect them. The same goes for their financial backers.
Congress people who are NOT into fine cigars, on the other hand, are probably in the same camp as the fanatical anti-tobacco activists, and will as usual whore themselves out to a key demographic.
Their interest lies in preventing access.
And then there's the FDA.
For cigarettes, the FDA has to approve the products for sale. If Cubans are categorized as ciggies (not at all unlikely), the process is arduous, and the chances incredibly slim. Did you ever wonder why all those lovely European smokes you enjoyed during your continental holiday could not be found in the States? The FDA hasn't allowed them in.
You can thank the anti-smoking nuts for that one; it was because of them that we have the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act of 2009.
For cigars and pipe tobaccos it is still a little easier, but there are plans to narrow the exemptions those products currently enjoy, which explains why some pipe tobaccos have already disappeared entirely, while others are now being made in the U.S. rather than coming from abroad.
In any case, control over smoking products now rests with a federal bureaucracy heavily slanted toward protectionism AND sneering disapproval of a fond habit. Suck it up, bitches.
WHO OWNS WHAT?
One other little issue will stump the issue for years to come, and provide a comfortable living for a generation of lawyers: trademarks. Most of the famous brandnames have double representation. Outside of the United States the ownership lies with the Cuban government and its henchmen, who dispossessed nearly every company or family that was vested in the industry, and seized the factories.
Because of the embargo, those trademarks were not exercised in the United States, which meant that when they lapsed (ref: Lanham Act, "abandonment", 15 U.S.C. § 1127), they were claimed -- often by or on behalf of the original owners -- and in consequence there are Monte Cristos, Cohibas, Partagas, Upmans, and several other famous brands represented in the U.S. by excellent non-Cuban products. It should also be particularly noted that the quality of the cigars available in the United States is far higher than what the rest of the world accepts.
Of the twenty five top cigars for 2014, only three are Habanos. Many more, including the number one cigar, come from Central America.
Consider these three names: Oliva, Padron, Perdomo.
Solid Nicaraguans, better than Havanas.
As are also many Dominicans.
And Hondurans.
[And don't overlook Arturo Fuente. Grown men weep when deprived of their Arturo Fuentes.
As well as Illusione, Flor De Las Antilles, La Aroma De Cuba, LFDs, Aging Room...
Matilde, San Cristobal, Litto Gomez, Alec Bradley.]
The fight over trademarks and intellectual property rights will make the import of Cubans into the United States a long slog. The probability is that the products imported soonest will be flying under imaginative flags of convenience -- Don Salami, Don Frijole y Cia, Empresas Tomas Elculo, Pulgadoras -- and not very good.
The plain fact of the matter is that the famous brands will only be commercially available once the legal issues have been settled.
Who gets to import these and supply them to the trade is also a problematic legal situation, as irrespective of their current non-availability, several companies already own rights or have claims that are in play.
Lastly, there's the matter of production. Currently Cuba takes less time to bring cigars to market than many non-Cuban brands which age their tobacco before rolling the product, then let the flavours marry over another several months or years of maturing. Many of the finest cigars that you purchase today started off as seedlings over five years ago. And because they face an uphill struggle against the damned-fool herd's blind loyalty to Cuban leaf, their quality control and attention to detail are much higher than anything in Havana. The Nicaraguans previously mentioned again come to mind, as well as Davidoff, which was so displeased with the shoddiness of Castro's factories that they withdrew completely from the island more than a quarter of a century ago.
Only the top Cubans will be in a position to compete.
That's far fewer brands than you might think.
Manufacturing will need to be geared up for the North American market, distribution and supply issues worked out, brandnames and marketing campaigns re-thought or tweaked.......
And that will only happen after the embargo is lifted, and after all the legal battles.
NO ES FACIL
Good Cuban cigars will always be an expensive luxury product. Mediocre crap, however, won't be worth smoking even with a famous name, shan't compete against the fine smokes now available all across the country, and as usual will be sold primarily to Spaniards.
But by then you might not be allowed to smoke anything.
Because even that privilege is under threat.
Except of course for marijuana.
Which is "medicinal".
Therapeutic."
In short: Embargo. FDA. Legalities. Logistics. Supply. Marketing.
And politicians. Always politicians.
Plus lots of crap.
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