BERKELEY FINDS ITS MISSING MANHOOD -- BY LOOTING RADIO SHACK AND WHOLE FOODS

Last night and the night before, frat boys, earthmoms and moonpapas, trustafarians, and the black block, showed Berkeley who da boss. By setting streetfires, breaking windows, and stealing from stores that in their righteous rage against the man, they trashed. They would have also looted pizza places, but employees stood outside guarding the premises. Because, after all, one does not wish the place that helps one pay for community college destroyed by people who can afford to go to Berkeley.


The twitter feeds were eloquent, and fascinating.


"Protesters at Telegraph and Alcratraz, about four blocks from my apartment. Just heard a boom. Here we go."

"Oh holy shit please don’t set the gas station on fire."

"Go home white kids you're drunk, And stupid."

"Who knows better about the struggles of minorities than a bunch of college kids at Berkeley?"

"Seems like it is predominantly white males instigating looting, as WholeFoods & McDonalds vandalised."

"My Whole Foods has been looted of Christmas trees!! Also hope my car windows are not smashed."

"Please Berkeley not the Whole Foods... Anything else."

"Just discovered that the phrase "Black Lives Matter" has nothing to do with disadvantaged goth kids."

"Can white occupy hipsters please fuck off and let the black voices be heard?"

"White kid in a black hoodie just ran down Alcatraz Ave. kicking cars. What a shithead."

"Wish I could be there with you guys but its hard to stay up late and trash the community when you've got work the next day."

"A dozen protestors broke into whole foods and stole cider and Christmas trees."

"Must sleep. Love to you ALL. Take care of each other, and smash the police."

"Black lives matter, until Trader Joe's is out of basil cilantro hummus."

"Too many vegans looting gallons of whole milk."

"Oh goodie, the helicopters are back!"


Twitterers with something worthwhile to say: Jillsmo, Nothgiel Semaj, Matt Takimoto, Eldritch Buddy, Jimni 27, Adam Edgmond, Independent Texan, Keaghan Townsend, Jinxy Stubblefield, Leila Mansouri, Grumpy Hat, Joey Garibaldi, Adriana Alcorta, A Happy Place, and above all, Jamaal Shapiro for injecting a note of savagely witty realism into what was, essentially, an opera of the absurd and misguided singing for an audience of limp and sweaty middle-class self-orgasmers.



Please note that exemplary police restraint, a sparing use of teargas, and the paucity of arrests, are a greater testament to "white privilege" than almost anything else could possibly be.

It also demonstrates that despite progressive pretensions and fervor, Berkeley is hopelessly, drearily, and resolutely, bourgeois.


Please also note use of the Oxford comma.



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