COLLECTING BODY PARTS

One of our customers, whom I shall refer to as 'mister Pinkslime', president and CEO of 'Turkey Loaf LLC', refused to pay an invoice.
Him and the shiftless cousins he employed.

The reason being that after they had finalized the deal and received the merchandise, Turkey Loaf LLC decided they didn't like the price.
After several months of fruitless ditherance Pinkslime claimed a crisis in the family, then refused to answer phone calls, then finally sent us an insulting offer, and told us that if we ever wanted to do business with him and Turkey Loaf LLC again we'd just have to take it.

Neener, neener, neener.

So I forwarded mister Pinkslime's little enterprise to a collection agency, which now asks whether we want to go mediaeval on him.


Follows a communication between myself and two other people, whose names I have also changed.

[QUOTE]

Dear Hamhock and Piglett,


The collection agency advises me that barring legal steps at this point, there is no way to pursue the matter any further.
The agency has tried for a year to get Turkey Loaf LLC to pay.
Turkey Loaf LLC refuses.
The agency has requested that I decide whether or not to court-file this.

Standardly, when a collection agency has become involved, such as in this case, our connection to the customer is severed.
For the agency’s efforts, which include ALL communication and negotiation (and everything just this side of harassment), the agency will take a percentage, WHEN the debt is collected. In some cases this involves two or three phone calls a day to the business phone number (s), letters, adverse credit reporting, and whatever else in the toolkit they can throw at a debtor.

Unless a legal course of action is decided upon, this approach is limited.
The goal is to wear down the “customer”. But like with all “threats” made, unless they are carried through, there is the risk of being in the deep end vis a vis the authorities.
[Bluntly put: if you say “unless you do this, I will do that”, you have to do “that” when they do not do “this”.]

So the agency cannot actually threaten legal action UNTILL we give them the go-ahead.
The threat of legal action ramps it up another level.

Turkey Loaf LLC has faced this before. They know the routine.

What the agency is asking is whether we are willing to file papers. Which will cost us $XXX.xx.
With a decent chance of recouping at least part of the actual debt.

Unless Turkey Loaf LLC files for bankruptcy, they have less protection than we do.
There are significant assets, and they are liquid.

[END QUOTE]

Back in the good old days, shortly after Noah moored the Ark, a gentleman with a heavy accent and a piece of lumber would have visited mister Pinkslime.

Alas, we have to play by civilized rules now.
In lieu of severed digits, we want our money.
But emotionally I'm still heavily vested in the severed digits.
That seems such a satisfying business paradigm.
Simple, straightforward, no nonsense.

We've told the agency to file.
It will irritate the living spit out of mister Pinkslime.
Given what a hot-tempered little bastard he is, it could well give him apoplexy.
A busted vein may serve as a karmic equivalent of severed digits.
Even though I would've preferred the severed digits.
I hope he develops body odour too.
Horrid cheesy parts.

Till we forwarded the account several months ago, mister Pinkslime and his company Turkey Loaf LLC had been a customer for several years. They had always been hard to get along with.
A high maintenance account, who regularly gave Hamhock (and Piglett's predecessor) acid indigestion.
Hamhock really wanted me to visit mister Pinkslime in the middle of the night.
And I would have liked to have done so too.
It's a feel-good fantasy.
Dreamy.


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