SLAGGING THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES

One of my friends confesses herself distressed at the absence of a romantic element in my life, and has resolved to at some point find me a girlfriend. This is both reassuring, and almost certainly a waste of her time.

I don't really like females, you see.
Oh sure, as a heterosexual man, I do "like" them.
But the majority of women are not people I would wish to know.


I've never had much patience for Hello Kitty. Nor with the shopping district, make-up, and fashion accessories. Conversely, those people who absolutely reject the value system by eccentricities like tattoos, piercings, drug use, and weird hang-ups also completely repel me.

Anybody who watches more than one or two hours of television per week has probably been brainwashed; there are several teevee shows (and shopping channels) that shrivel the souls of their female fanbase down to the size of a tiny dessicated blob of canine excrement.

Most women in this world are flighty, silly, and irredeemably spam-brained. Repulsive, shallow, and well-nigh unbearable for any length of time. Readers of self-help, celebrity gossip, fashion magazines, and trashy fiction, whose fantasies revolve around sexual interludes with vampires, gangsters, football players, and hobbits.

Unless they are from Hong Kong or the Philippines, in which case they obsess about rich men who will provide them with unlimited funds for handbags, shoes, designer clothing, and Hello Kitty.
Which indicates that those women are Japanese at heart. Or would like nothing better than an all expenses paid shopping trip to Paris, Milan, or Tokyo.

There are exceptions.

Of course.

And naturally, they're all in relationships already. Women of wit and intellect are so rare that they attract without realizing it.
Anyone who has found such a person inevitably wishes her to be happy, and worries about not being special enough to engineer that result.
Doing so seldom involves handbags, shoes, Hello Kitty, designer shmatte, tattoos, piercings, meds, or shopping orgies in Paris, Milan, or Tokyo.


OFF-KILTER GENERALIZATIONS

European females rather despise much about America, without actually knowing anything about the place. They think inside the Eury box, and pooh-pooh anything different.
American women worship the Real Housewives, and haven't read anything since Bridges of Madison County or a diet book. They are unimaginative, and their tastes are pedestrian.
Asian women have no opinions, never read, obsess about their pale skin, and refuse to walk anywhere because it might firm them up. They're rather dim and they complain a lot.
Latinas are conceited and unbearable, and consider themselves "hot stuff". Frequently they evince impatience with men who are not sufficiently impressed, and act out in a vulgar fashion.
French women tend to sneer and patronize, and often flirt embarrassingly with every Jean-Paul, Jacques, and Philippe who looks hotter than the man they are with.
English women are cold and unpleasant, often worse snobs than their men, with horrible taste in food, clothing, entertainment, and friends. They also need too much validation.
Hong Kong women are needy shopaholics with gold-digger tendencies, who wish life were a perpetual whirl of other people trying to make them deliriously happy.
Japanese women are adept at hiding what they think, and actually have no thoughts whatsoever. Their lives revolve around Hello Kitty and exclaiming "kawaii!"
German women are appallingly bourgeois, blessed with little or no sense of humour, nor any linguistic capacity. They are somber consumerists, and wrong about everything.
Spanish women: unhygienic know-it-alls, and less intelligent than they think.
Phillippinas are superficial, shallow, and extremely judgemental, though often charming. They know every fashion label there is, and have a calculator in their brain.
Asian American women: bigots and Barbie-wannabees, frequently crazier than batshit.
San Francisco women are into drugs, tattoos, veganism, yoga, and wealthy lawyers. There is absolutely nothing there. Their conversation revolves entirely around themselves.
Bay Area women are politically opinionated and remarkably ignorant. Yet unaware of how stupid, vain, and arrogant they sound. Good lord, they just won't shut up.
Southern California women are completely fake, besides being upstuck, pretentious, and crass.
Taiwanese women always are insufferably whiny and full of themselves.
Southern women more often than not are complete dingbats.
Icelandic women tend to be small and smelly.
Australians are often drunk.
Scots are grim.


The following types are completely repulsive: Slavic blondes, Turkish women, Arabians, Brahmin women from Gujarat, the Panjab, or Uttar Pradesh, Persians, Norwegian women, Vietnamese, Greeks, Serbians, Albanians, Slovenes, Swedes, Siamese, Irish, New Englanders, Danes, Greeks, Koreans, Malaysians & Indonesians, Uzbekis, Philadelphians, Bostonians, Marinites, and damned well anyone from Daly City.


In fact, most women are perfect company for football fans, pinstriped Republicans, grease-stained motorbike afficinonadoes, gun-collecting survivalists, frat boys, Texans, up and coming members of the sales and marketing departments, wife-beating hicks, Ashton Kuchner, Christians, soccer players, socialists, real-estate agents and speculators, SUV owners, sports-obsessed yobbos, yoga instructors, Serbians, Southerners, drunken suburbanite meatballs, pierced and tattooed artists and musicians, bankers, European pretendeurs, Mormons, pizza-eating beer-swilling game-watching subliterate corporate monkeys, and junior stockbrokers.

Which is a very fortunate circumstance!
There are plenty of those.


I'll just hide out with a cup of tea and a pipe-full of English tobacco, reading a book by an author whose name you probably cannot pronounce, and enjoying the pleasant company of my stuffed armadillo.

He doesn't say much.

Nor is he cognizant of Prada or yoga.

But at least he doesn't talk about shopping or sports.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================