A QUESTION OF TASTE
There are two unsmoked pipes in my collection which would be perfect for a lady. They are a little unsuitable for me. Both of these items are extremely handsome, but my face just doesn't look right for them.
However a sparkling young lady smoking them would look very nice.
They would flatter her face, and emphasize her femininity.
Either that, or perhaps a fresh-faced young lad.
They are flawless. High quality briar. But, alas, too civilized in appearance. Aesthetically they appeal to me, but I learned a long time ago that I should stick something a little bolder and more commonplace in my mouth.
It is a question of facial structure, hand size, and glowing skin.
No matter how hard I try, no one will ever mistake me for a lady. And if I wore pearls, it would not highlight how beautiful the skin near my neck and collarbones was, or any haunting delicacy of features, but instead suggest to people that I secretly vote the gun-nut ticket.
Some things just aren't suitable for a foxy middle-aged Dutch-American.
Those two fine pipes will have to wait for a suitable person. And while a fresh-faced young fellow would be quite perfect -- someone like Leslie Cheung, for instance -- a young lady would be far more suitable.
If a person who resembled that beautiful boy Leslie Cheung were to hang around me, people might justifiably doubt my commitment to the Patriots OR the Dolphins, along with big bloody steaks and strong beer, or even heaven forefend whether I really wished Berkeley to seize the Axe (and damnation to Stanford, yay), whereas the adjacency of a brightly vibrant woman would say "this crusty old fart must have something, even if it's only black magic and good habits". It would also state that she's strong-minded, stubborn, and definitely a force to be reckoned with.
These are all good things.
Besides, good briar, if properly taken care of, will last an entire lifetime. That's a key concept.
She'll look ever so lady-like when she's silver haired, smoking either of those pipes, as the light glints off the strand of pearls which emphasizes her delicacy and femininity more glowing than ever.
It's an aesthetic thing.
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