At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Sunday, March 17, 2013


A friend proudly boasted that he had ten strips of bacon on his half-pound burger. Which, naturally, he made at home. This struck me as somewhat excessive. No, not because of the massive quantity of greasy goodness, but because of the inclusion of beef. Cow is not very digestible even at the best of times. Frying it up in a skillet, as he must have done, would have made what was an innocuous ground beef patty into a chewy monstrosity that no amount of ketchup and pepto could improve.

What a truly horrendous waste of bacon!

Bacon, as everyone knows, is the perfect food.

The only two things that can detract from the pure richness of bacon are ground beef and tofu. And chocolate. Three things.


Canadian Bacon isn't; and the Canadians deflect any guilt by calling it Irish Bacon, while elsewhere it might be called Back Bacon. Only the English persist in referring to that cut as bacon.
Canadian Bacon is, like much in Anglo cuisine, vastly improved by adding bacon.
Real bacon is Streaky Bacon. But if you already have that, why even bother with Canadian Bacon? It seems rather a waste of good bacon to serve it on the same plate as that eccentric British meat.

American bacon (i.e., real bacon) is cut from the fatty under-belly of the beast, whereas that other stuff includes back and loin, and often is not smoked but merely brined, and sometimes not even that.
What distinguishes genuine American bacon is the rich addictive spectrum of glutamates and nucleotides, which are present at lower concentrates in all those other things called bacon, and entirely absent in supermarket ground beef. Most of what is sold in the United States as "Canadian Bacon" is also significantly lacking in this regard, as the flavour isn't really that bad, but sure isn't anything to write home about. Rather pallid and watery.


The taste-balance of glutamates and nucleotides is key to most flavour enhancements like monosodium glutamate et talis substantiae quae sunt perterrentes, which chef Suleiman used when preparing his curries.
He swore up and down that he NEVER used MSG, good heavens, a righteous Muslim cook from Awadh had no need for such cheap tricks!
And it was horribly Christian of me to even accuse him of it!
One day while he was out between lunch and dinner I went to investigate the kitchen, determined to locate the offending substance even if I had to tear the entire place apart. Naturally I found the box within less than thirty seconds; it was at his work station.
A very big box.

I've avoided his cooking ever since. That was many years ago. But if there is even a suspicion that Suleiman or an equally dishonest subcontinental Muslim chef is connected to a restaurant, I will not go in.
Really, they should use bacon instead of MSG.
It's cleaner, and far better.

"Hallo Ji, we would like the kathal ke kabab ('exquisite lentil and green jackfruit patties'), the kanta gali machli ('artfully stuffed and patiently simmered river fish'), kakori kabab ('mouth-meltingly tender and delicious mince kabab prepared with a masala that is the veritable epitome of refinement'), sarson ka saag ('divine mustard greens puree once served to kings and emperors'), karahi gosht kalia ('fine cuts of tender lamb seethed in a rich golden gravy'), some arvi ka salan ('delicate colocasia tubers braised in ghee, then simmered to utter perfection with mutton'), plus titar korma or murghi badam pasanda for the non-meat eaters, and a huge side of crispy bacon!

Oh, and we are also wanting safed murgh ka pullao and lamb biriani. Plus bacon.

Now bring us some bakarkhani ('bread made with nuts and clarified animal fat'), sheermal ('a luxurious tandoor bread richly flavoured with cream and saffron'), warqi paratha, and taftan ('milk & ghee brushed tear-drop bread with nigella seeds and curd').

Sevian ka muzafar, and halwa sohan.

And more bacon!"

Additional taste expanders with this fabulous feast can be nimboo achar, raita, and crunchy raw green chilies.

The more I think about it, the more likely it is that Suleiman's use of MSG was entirely the fault of the British. They colonized India, and imparted elements of their culture during the two centuries that they were there. Including culinary ideas, some of which were not entirely predictable.
Such as lamb vindaloo, and murgh makhni made with canned soup.
Cabbage, peas, cauliflower, carrots.
Tea and kaju biscuit.

And, without a shadow of a doubt, Canadian Bacon.
Which is exactly like tofu, but from a pig.
No wonder MSG beckoned!

If they had access to real bacon, surely the esteemed rakabdars of Awadh would have used that instead of monosodium glutamate.
For Americans, our mission to the world is clear.
Bacon on everything.


I tend to instinctively distrust most Pakistani restaurateurs, as their attitude toward meat dishes is completely different from honest Hindus and Sikhs.
And, given that subcontinental Muslims venomously despise the food scruples of all other communities, this is probably justified. Note, for instance, that the "lamb" served in many Pakistani or Sylheti-run establishments in Great Britain is actually cheap beef.

Quote: "The results from the survey confirm that a significant proportion of lamb-based curries offered for sale in Indian, and similar style, restaurants and takeaways were falsely described as they contained either no lamb, or a mixture of lamb and other meat."

[Source: ]

According to many sniffy English tourists, the best Indian food can ONLY be found in Great Britain, and everything else is both inferior and suspect.
Especially the muck palmed off on stupid Americans.
I've eaten Indian food over there....... never has horsemeat and inferior cow masquerading as lamb tasted so mediocre. But it probably suits the locals.

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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

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