At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Sunday, September 08, 2013


There's nothing quite like strong coffee and a bowlful of something heavy on Latakia tobacco early in the morning. Except, of course, that when one lives with other people, there are likely to be loud indignant squawks. The outrage is palpable. It's Sunday, for creep sakes! Why are you making the world a far worse place, and so early in the morning too! Man, that stuff is foul, take it outside, go to the abandoned church up the street, blow your ghastly hell-fumes there!

And take that corncob out of your mouth.
You look utterly blessed ridiculous.
Let me tell you where to put it.

I am at present breaking-in a Missouri Meerschaum (corncob) with strong Latakia blends.

Totally delicious, exquisite and refined. I am having a blast, but my apartment-mate thinks that I am a pervert. Yes, she's not my significant other, merely a small opinionated forest creature (errrm, Cantonese American female) with whom I live, and not being in any way romantically involved with her I should probably not care too much about the smells and her vociferous objections.

A wife or a girlfriend should be heard. It is conceivable that their opinion about tobacco habits might have some weight. Not likely, especially if they are non-smokers, but possible. Remotely.
They are graciously given a voice, though not a veto.
Apartment mates and concerned neighbors, however, are not really relevant. Especially not the neighbors, as in San Francisco these are usually venomous sodding bastard anti-smoking fanatics, whose fragile peace of mind is disturbed by the merest trace of tobacco, foods that aren't tofu, clouds of war upon the horizon, and anyone having any fun at all.
Leastways fun of which they do not approve.
Recycling is acceptable fun.
So is weeping.

Apartment mates, if well-chosen, are somewhat more important than that. Slightly. These aren't her lungs and nostrils, but I will concede that her opinions matter to me. She's a very sweet girl, even if she is seeing a person of whom I disapprove, and her mother would also if the old harridan were sentient (instead of comatose in an assisted care facility).

When the apartment mate is NOT around, I firmly close the door to her room, open up windows, and stink like a maniac. Mmmmmm, Latakia! Virginia! Turkish! Maryland! And pimp - whore- chesthair Burley! So in heaven!
Three or four hours of airing out with plenty of ventilation, and she won't notice a darn thing. She usually does not return until after seven in the evening.
But, unfortunately, she's always around early in the morning.
Which is really when I keenly wish to stink.
I have great self-control.

At this moment, I am saintly, and do not yet smell.

Soon, babies, soon.


NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


  • At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Is it one of those wonderful meerschaums with someone's face carved into it? If so, who?

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    No, the term Missouri Meerschaum does not refer to a genuine meer (made from a porous mineral silicate of magnesium mined in Asia Minor), but to a corncob pipe.

    See here: Missouri Meerschaum Company.

    It's a somewhat sly nomen.

    From their history page: "In 1869, a Dutch immigrant woodworker named Henry Tibbe first began production of the corn cob pipe. Legend has it that a local farmer whittled a pipe out of corn cob and liked it so much he asked Henry Tibbe to try turning some on his lathe. Because the farmer was well-pleased with the results, Henry made and sold a few more in his woodworking shop. Tibbe’s pipes proved to be such a fast selling item, he soon spent more time making pipes for customers than working with wood, and began full time production of corn cob pipes.
    In 1907 the H. Tibbe & Son Co. became the Missouri Meerschaum Company."

    They taste different than briars. A little sweeter, a little less subtle. Nor do they yield the spectrum of tobacco flavours as clearly.
    But they're good smokes.

  • At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why is it called a Meerschaum then, if it's just a corncob?

  • At 1:20 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Smart-aleck marketing. An indication that they smoke fine. and a snarky attempt to convince you the smoker of that fact.

    Texas caviar = corn kernels and black bean salsa.
    Welsh rabbit = cheese melt on bread.
    Turkish Bath House = a cheap whore house.
    "Genuine Meerschaum" = a copyrighted trade name for fake meerschaum.
    'Irish Linen' = kitchen tissues.
    Dutch Courage = cheap ('Dutch') liquor ('courage') in sufficient quantity to make one suicidally brave.
    California Roll = sushi that no one except a surfer would touch.
    French Nails = tacky ho lacquer job.
    Brazilian Wax = pubic trim of a particular slut type.

    Missouri Meerschaum = what you smoke instead of a real meerschaum.


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