MAY I SUGGEST SOMETHING DEPRAVED...

Here it is Saturday evening, and you are all alone in the house. Your lively roommates have gone to clubs with their beefy boys and you just know that you will be woken up at three in the morning by their enthusiastic humping, or alternatively, your parents are away, celebrating their thirtieth wedding anniversary at the fancy hotel on Nob Hill, and they won't be back until late tomorrow. Everywhere in the city people are out on dates, eating dinner together, and getting squiffy in tandem. Not you. You don't have a male friend or companion, and you hate the idea of going out drinking alone.
As well as the oafs who keep hitting on you.
It almost makes you wish for a suitor.
Or a man to squire you around.
Someone completely safe.
And unattached.

Point is, everyone seems to be acting out their fantasies and having a fine time with other people, but you aren't, and you don't really want to link up with someone just because you're desperate. The heck with going out with a man you have no interest in, and even though your crazy roommates have promised ('threatened') to set you up, the idea of a blind date is revolting.
What if he's sweaty and gropey? Or into sports?

May I suggest something completely depraved?

Take a bath. A nice long hot bath, with a glass of champagne and a huge slice of coconut cake. Luxuriate in the warm soapy water, letting it swirl all around you, and twiddle your toes in the suds while you slowly, dreamily, mouth a fork full of coconut cake. Now have a taste of that champagne... Mmmmmm! Delicious! More cake. Another sip. Enjoy the decadence.
Take your time, so that you enjoy every luscious silken mouthful.
What a wonderful way to spend a Saturday evening!

That, and real whipped cream.

After an hour or so get out, dry yourself (smell that wonderful clean scent emanating from your skin), and pad into the living room in your fluffy bathrobe to watch a trashy movie or read a bit. When you feel yourself getting drowsy, go to bed and drift off.

What's that? No cake? No champagne?

Do you at least have a bottle of sherry, and bonbons?

No?

Nice people should have bonbons coming out of their ears!

You could lie in hot water with fragrant bubbles covering every inch, languorously nibbling bonbons, one after another.


Look, just take that bath anyway. You'll feel much better afterwards, and it will be a nice evening. You can finally start reading A Tale of Two Cities, without being bothered. Save the champagne for next weekend.

D & M Liquors at Fillmore and Sacramento has an exceptional selection of champagne, and Lotta's Bakery on Polk just up from Clay does a truly divine coconut cake. Really, it's quite exquisite.
Get yourself some Yardley's soap, and a small flask of champaka or jasmine essence. Just add one or two drops to the hot water. Perfumerie Jacqueline, on Geary between Grant and Stockton, has quite one of the best selections of perfumes, fragrant soaps, and florals. If straight essences aren't available, the owner can nevertheless advise you on other additions.


AFTER WORD

Even I am out and about on a Saturday evening. There is no champagne in the house, and a bag of jalapeno-flavoured Doritos is not even a halfway civilized substitute for bonbons or coconut cake. Besides, I've already read A Tale of Two Cities, and I need to smoke my pipe for a while. But I'll be thinking about enjoying champagne and a luscious dessert.
While I'm elsewhere and otherwise engaged.
It's such a lovely fantasy!

Bon bons.



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