Sometimes, one's significant other says something that, if you are unaware of context, strikes you as hysterically funny. Or stark-raving bonkers. Such as the phrase headlining this post.
Yesterday Savage Kitten went out to lunch with an old friend from her days studying megaviolence with sifu XXX. When she came back, she cruised into the television room all bubbly, having had an enjoyable time talking smack about some of the white people who had also studied megaviolence with that teacher -- understand, please, that I shall not divulge either the type of martial art, or the teacher's name (the circles studying how to inflict major damage on other people are so small and incestuous in the Bay Area that it would breach her and my anonymity) -- most of whom were puffy graceless poseurs into the spiritual and artistic aspects of megaviolence who always felt hurt if deprived of the limelight.
Yes, we white people are drama queens, and it's all about those neat-o costumes.
After a few minutes of happy burbling, she took off her coat and headed to the bathroom. Seconds later an anguished wail rang through the apartment:
"MY BREASTS ARE TOO BIG!"
Sweetheart, you need to take a closer look. It's not your breasts - they're perfectly alright.
Trust me, I have excellent judgment when it comes to such things.
[Besides, you are Chinese-American - big breasts are NOT part of the blueprint. That you actually have a bosom at all is somewhat remarkable.]
Your breasts are NOT too big, your t-shirt is too small. And that's the black padded sports bra you've got on, I recognized it from the fit. It always lifts and cushions in that exact way.
Men are more observant of these details than you women realize. We probably know your undergarments better than you do, having plumbed the subject in great detail. There are good reasons why the Sears-Roebuck catalogue is so well-thumbed - Or was, nearly forty years ago, when as little boys we knew all about some very peculiar feminine underwear, and first learned of support-panels and stretch fabric.
Even in our senescence, we are still avid students of the scantimenties of the opposite sex.
We fervently hope that you do not reciprocate, by the way. Our ragged baggy boxers will not bear the light of day.
And your breast are NOT too big. They're just right.
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LOOKS LIKE VICTORY
While heading toward my apartment building I saw and heard a crow happily cawing on the high pole halfway up the block. It seemed postscient...
8 comments:
I've yet to see a man who looks at himself and says - "I'm too big!"
Atboth, you have told us nothing here. Nothing! No descriptives, no co-ordinates, and no approximate or precise measuramentoes! Nothin!
---Grindell Poodlewhangy
Nothing to go on. No surface descriptions, no textural feeling. What like? Freckles? Densities? Temperatures?
We demand a count at least!!!!!
---Prenklybong Wantam
We demand a count at least!!!!!
I'm fairly certain that there are two of them. Perhaps I should inquire?
Sorry, Grant, that's all I can do for you.
And no, I will NOT allow you to investigate.
Freckles? Densities? Temperatures?
Just use your imagination. And trust me, they're fine. Much better than you could imagine.
sod the mexican hogs Blogmeester - pleez drag the kitten to this
http://www.thecjm.org/index.php?option=com_ccevents&scope=prgm&task=detail&fid=3&oid=125
and report in due time.
ttfn & have a nice day
Graham
Graham,
Great recommendation. Will probably go at some point (though not entirely certain), in which case will report back.
Pursuant the location, The Contemporary Jewish Museum is right opposite Yerba Buena Gardens, by the way, where on the first Sunday of June every year Israel In The Gardens is held, and, every year, on the first Sunday in June, the angry Berkeleyites, Pally sympathizers, and general Jew-hating public hold a protest and try to get in to disrupt. In the past, a gauntlet of vicious young Arabs and extremists harassed and threatened attendees, screaming at camp survivors to go back and get gassed.
For the past several years we have flanked the gates providing a countervoice and a distraction from the haters. As we will again this year.
All the usual hate groups and their enablers (especially Jewish Voice for Peace, Women In Black, and Queers Undermining Israeli Terror) have faced us. All of them will probably be there again this year. There's nothing quite like summer in the Bay Area.
Savage Kitten is so lucky.
But really, you should not talk about her umms on your blog. It's not nice.
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