THE COMPLETE INTERNET FETISHIST

Occasionally I check out the stats for this blog to find out how many people cruised on in, and what they were looking for.
My readers (including you) are a fascinating lot.

You'll be pleased to know that the Pakistanis haven't discovered me yet - they lead the world in Google searches for "child sex", "animal sex", and "rape sex", so it should be quite a while before they come here. None of those categories of typical Pakistani sexuality are featured much on this blog.
Except in passing, primarily to sneer at Pakistanis.


What are my readers looking for instead?


Drucquer & sons tobacconist
This search I can well understand. I worked at Drucquers for a few years, and like many pipesmokers I keenly wish it had not faded from sight. The famous mixtures that this store produced are no longer made, alas. But those who remember blends such as Trafalgar or Red Lion with fondness will no doubt have already discovered Greg Pease, who since leaving Drucquers went into the tobacco business for himself, and has compounded some absolutely fabulous stuff.

Balkan Sobranie
Another search-criterium that has my sympathy. And like Drucquers, Sobranie is no more. Some people are paying extraordinary prices for unopened tins, three hundred dollars and up. Which is rather ridiculous.
I still have over a dozen tins, and I'm not selling. Sorry.

Frilly panties
A cute posterior attractively packaged in frilly panties may well be one of the finer things in life. But you will find no pictures on this blog, nor excessively tactile descriptions. Again, sorry.
I encourage you to find or feel your own.

Geert wilders
This must be a newly popular sexual fetish. Frankly, I am rather appalled, but I realize that most people cruise the internet looking for Balkan Sobranie, kittens, and Japanese porn. To the best of my knowledge, there is no Japanese porn featuring Geert Wilders. Yet.

Black lace garter belt
Like the aforementioned 'Frilly Panties', one of the finer things in life. At some point I may acquire one of these myself, but I would much rather meet a person who wears one.

Pipe smoking ladies
Probably the sweetest fantasy that anyone can have. No, it's not sexual. Charming young women should smoke pipes. Cigarettes are for sailors, snuff is for coots.

Little virgins
This too is wonderful, especially if you're a Dutchman. Cover 'em with chopped onion. Even many non-Dutch love little virgins, although the Germans tend to pickle them in a vinegar solution, and other people drench them with cream or capers.
I do not know anyone who isn't fond of matjes herring.



You will note that this post is both self-serving and YOU serving.
I got to post links to some of my most popular articles (thus boosting them in internet searches), and you now have a handy list of everything you've always wanted. Enjoy.

Sorry, Pakistanis, nothing here for you.
But do please keep checking.
Regularly.


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NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
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SAN FRANCISCO LOSERS

San Francisco, for all intents and purposes, has lost its collective marbles. For someone like myself, who regards sporting spectacles with about as much affection as exploding sewers (and indeed they are REMARKABLY similar), the collective creamed-in-panties mood over recent baseball-related events is insufferable and absurd.

If I were an evil man, I would pray for rain.

A few days ago, a friend e-mailed me the following:
"Thank XXXing God that I know I can read your blog without a chance in hell of seeing the words (and it pains me to write this) "Go Giants!" Your words are a safe port in a sea of gibber. Harrumph!"
Indeed.
Pajama-wearing men swinging phallic weapons for an audience of Richard ain't zackly my idea of entertainment.

For all of you out there who are wearing black or orange, you look ridiculous. There’s a reason black and orange are Halloween colours.

GHOULS!

You know, ghouls – the eaters of the flesh of the recently departed. Unclean creatures from darkest myth. Kind of like werewolves and vampyres, but without the romance. Werewolves and vampyres got style! Ghouls? Meh! Daemon-cursed mutants that compete with zombies for food. Urk!

Shouldn’t you sweaty morons be bringing crucifixes and holy water down to the park, instead of pompoms and flags?


The only time people should wear black is if they are wearing a little black cocktail dress. There is nothing quite so visually appealing as a sensual person sheathed in dark silk. Yes.

Which, by the way, is something ONLY charming young girls can get away with.
Let me repeat: CHARMING. YOUNG. GIRLS!

Pudgy middle-aged men shouldn’t even try it. Trust me. Now take that off.

And those orange sweatshirts make your beer-bellies look fat. If your wives and girlfriends had ANY sense at all (not buggery likely, seeing as they picked YOU), they’d leave you right now and go find someone nice who lost nearly five inches off his waist recently, has devilish angular features, twinkling eyes and a trimmed goatee, and is recently single again. Yes.
You know, someone who is a remarkably fine specimen of fifty-one year old man-flesh. All-in-all, a most desirable gentleman – discrete, warm, caring, absolutely hates! walks on the beach.
That type. Yes.


If any young ladies reading this are interested, please write. Snarky or zesty feedback from my audience is always appreciated.
Pen a letter to the author of this tripe here!

There will be no talk whatsoever of sports. None. Bleeeaugh!
Food, champagne, crabs - all subjects for discussion.
Silken garments, books by Nabokov or Wyndham Lewis, or bad habits that are sooooo good. Those too.
Little black cocktail dresses? We can work on that!
Please think of me as a werewolf or vampyre.
Trust me.


I may be a total perv, but I'm NOT into sports.



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NOTE: If you wish, you may contact me directly:LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

IN PRAISE OF JAPANESE PORNOSPAMBOTS

Fellow blogger e-kvetcher has an important post today about sneeze pornography and neurotics. Really, you should visit his blog, you will be glad you did!
[This post in besonderes.]


But in that vein.......

For the past two months, Japanese porn spammers have been trying to post comments underneath one of my postings. Just one comment string, only one post. And I am baffled by it, as I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
Why that post? Why that particular comment string?

[In case you're interested, this post:
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2009/07/conversational-storm-surge.html , this comment string: https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=17704096&postID=92707442160638019&isPopup=true
The post itself has NOTHING to do with porn, Japanese or otherwise.]



ZESTY JAPANESE DELECTATION

While I quite admire the Japanese approach to naughtiness, because they tend to use food-photographers instead of flunkies from the coroner's office to take pictures of naked bodies (with much better results, I assure you - many of the young ladies end up looking quite edible, instead of repulsively corpse-like - but I wouldn't know about that, as I lead a saintly porn-free life, and never EVER look at such pictures), I will admit that the Japanese also have some pretty 'unique' fetishes.


For example:
和服 Traditional Japanese clothing, though not always fully clothed.
体操服 Sport togs.
わき Armpits.
貧乳 Small mammaries.
ナース Nurses.
めがね Spectacle wearing damsels - Meganeko.
メイド Maids - young ladies dressed in frilly or gothic maid outfits.
ミミ付き Ears - girls with strap-on animal ears.
手こき Digital manipulation of a regenerative organ.
胸ちら Accidental mammary gland exposure (munechira).
スク水 or スクール水着 Sukumizu, school swim togs - girls wearing the typical very Protestant-looking swim suits common in Japanese high schools.


Anyhow, since I started noticing the pattern, I have saved many of the comments, without allowing them on the blog. All the commenter names had links - I had no urge to direct traffic away from myself. But it's some rather interesting stuff.


Herewith a sampling:

若妻 wrote:
セレブと言われる世の若妻は男に飢えています、特に地位が邪魔して出会いが意外と少ないから、SEXサークルを通じて日頃のストレス発散に毎日男を買い漁っています。ここは彼女達ご用達の口コミサイトです

エロ動画 wrote:
流出からハメ撮りまでマニアも満足のエロ動画満載、抜きたくなったらチャットでサックと約束、有無を言わさずサックと中出し、便器女を簡単get出来るサイトです

SOS少女wrote:
家出中のSOS少女たちを助けてあげよう！家やホテルに招いてご飯をおごってあげたりするだけで、後でウッハウハなお礼をしてくれるかもしれないよ

人生の値段wrote:
人生の値段を診断してみませんか？自分の価値を診断してあなたの生涯年収、人間としての価格が丸裸になります。友達と一緒にチャレンジして絆を深めよう

画像流出 wrote:
芸能人から素人まで、画像流出を探すならココ！最近有名な仮面ライダーヒロインの山本ひ○るの画像などなど、幅広く流出画像を公開中です。他人のプライベートに興味がある方はこちら

恋人wrote:
大金を貰って美女を抱きませんか？恋人契約は10万円、SEX付きの関係には30万円のシステムとなっております。私生活が忙しいセレブ女性達、仕事面では成功を納めていても男性との関係には凄くうとい方が多いようです。今宵も30万円でのSEX付き関係が申し込まれております。満たしあう関係と札束を手に入れてくださいませ

女子高生 wrote:
女子高生が友達・恋人を求めて集まる当サイトは、彼女たちのちょっぴりHな画像や出逢いを求める自己紹介などで賑わう掲示板サイトです。彼女たちと友達になって一緒に遊んだり写メの交換などをしてみませんか

家出人 wrote:
これから家出したい少女や、家出人の娘とそんな娘と遊びたい人を繋げる掲示板です。家庭の問題などでやむなく家出している子が多数書き込みしています。女の子リストを見て彼女たちにメールを送ってみませんか


Some of the pseudonyms are by themselves potent clues that the ensuing comment is highly pornspammic.
若妻 (wild concubine), エロ動画 (working mouth moving picture), 画像流出 (graphic image flowing out), 恋人 (love-sick person), 女子高生 (girl highly alive), and 家出人 (outside the home persons) are names that really say it all.

I flatter myself that the Japanese porn industry reads thousands of blog posts, and only picked a few to grace with their adverts. Only those posts that spoke to something deep within, posts capable of arousing a yearning, questing, emotive state, were chosen as billboards for linkage to quality smut.

Sometimes just one post out of many was, it was felt, worthy of the sexually predilective Japanese male attention. True cognoscenti would be charmed by the post, and thus receptive to a nudge nudge wink wink.
That post, on this blog, was 'CONVERSATIONAL STORMSURGE'. There is no porn there. But it was probably the Starwars metaphors that made it worthy.

Thank you, Japanese photography buffs. Your offerings are indeed very nice.
I feel honoured.
Something else too, but definitely 'honoured'.

FEMALE TROUBLE

Well, not really trouble. It's hard to describe. Correspondence would be a better term.
I have recent communications from three persons of the feminine gendricity.
In their own way, each provides food for thought.
Which I am happy to share with you.
Regurgitation is something I do.



DEAD SKUNK

The first one is from Bawi-ji, who wishes to persuade me to do a post about eating road kill, and provides a useful research link to that end:
http://www.chelseagreen.com/content/eating-roadkill-would-you/


There are no recipes there, but there are some useful pointers:

1. If it is covered in flies or maggots or other insects it’s probably no good.
2. If it smells like rotting flesh it’s probably spoiled.
3. If its eyes are clouded over white it’s probably not too fresh.
4. If there are fleas on the animal there’s a good chance it’s still edible.
5. If it’s completely mangled, it’s probably not worth the effort.
6. Rigor mortis sets in pretty quickly. [] There’s no reason to assume the animal is spoiled just because it’s stiff.


For people who are single, these pointers also apply to dates.

You probably know several people who have already put this into practice. Not everyone is picky.



HI, HOT HUNK

Little miss S. Chou writes to ask if I am the "hot hunk of middle-aged man-flesh" she "saw smoking a pipe on Pacific Avenue a few days ago, the dude with the fetching goatee and elegant pervert coat".

Yes. Yes that is me! What a charming description. We should meet for coffee and a snack.

She then says "you look exactly like Gonzo the Great from the Muppet Show! Pointy little head!"

Um.
On second thought...........



DUCT TAPE - IT'S NOT JUST FOR HAMSTERS

A friend asked that I research a company at which a relative may be soon job-interviewing.
Is it legit, do they have a good reputation, what exactly do they do?

Well, they are big in penises. Very big.

Specifically, they manufacture external devices, catheters, and clamps. They are well regarded, and urologists love them. Medicare covers their primary product because they are a safe form of treatment. Their cunning device helps clear arteries, which may in turn restore such to their natural elasticity. This allows a more normal blood flow into the penis........

On the other hand, stay away from the clamps.

Such devices are a very unsafe method for the management of urinary incontinence, and clamping off an insensate penis so tightly as to occlude the urethra is quite dangerous. Penile gangrene is not unknown.



ENDING REMARK

So in conclusion, dear readers, do please communicate with the women in your lives. How else will you find out about important matters such as pavement-pizza, Frackles, and problematic penile elements?
These are, in my vast experience, matters very dear to the female heart.

CONVERSATIONAL STORM-SURGE

Nope, I have no idea what he's talking about, not a clue. Normally the stuff that comes out of his mouth makes scant sense anyhow. Some days he's better than other days. But even at his best, you rather wish you hadn't started the conversation for fear of where he'll take it.

He's just not as firmly anchored in my version of reality as you or I could wish.


I am talking about the head of the security detail watching the building, of course. Whenever I see him on my way in or out I say 'hi'. Which will always prompt some odd nonsequitorial dialogue. Such as the time he responded by telling me all about the colours of a butterfly he had seen years ago. Or when he started speculating about height-augmentation for bald people, so that the tops of their heads would not show.

It took me several months to realize that his private thoughts were always of a richness beyond normal comprehension. Very complex, too.

Today, as I wait for the elevator, I can hear and see him speaking to nobody. He's pacing around animatedly, and giving voice.


"When the Jedi and the Sith meet up again, there will be blood let me tell you! Righteousness will be restored, justice! The sands of the hot planet will be crimson and wet with the liquid of combat, and it will be good again!"


Should I be worried that the guard unit is commanded by someone with a rich inner life? Or are these operational details that he is mulling over, out loud?

"There are screws at the bottom of each saber - some go left, some go right."

I did not know that.

"Some are green - a green so intense that you cannot see it. Only the pure of heart can see it."

At this point a woman who came into the lobby just a moment ago turns around and leaves. She works in the building, and I was expecting her to come over to the elevators.
I am now alone with the increasingly agitated security personage.

"The force is sometimes so great that it carries you into the path of tractor beams. Engineers of the Guild Academy are cognizant of the problem, but they just aren't doing anything! They refuse! They refuse!"


As the elevator doors close, I can hear him gasping "there are SPIKES under their ROBES!"


Good thing it's the end of the week. He sounds like he needs a few days off.

FAITH, PERFECT AND COMPLETE

Rabbosai, there are times when being able to read Dutch is both a blessing and a .... well, not quite such a blessing.
There are, in fact, times when reading the language of Brederode and Vondel turns up material of a startlingly 'wat heb ik je nou gehalte' ("what have I you now quotient").

If any one ever tells you that the small-town Dutch intellectual world is dull and boring, laugh at them. They don't know what they're talking about.



MELKERT TO BECOME UN ENVOY

Consider the following stellar and germane comment placed underneath an article about Ad Melkert becoming the next UN Envoy for Irak on the website of a Dutch-language newspaper:

"Het Pruisisch koninkrijk is 400 jaar geleden naar de USA verhuisd en hebben aldaar onder de Voc-vlag de VOC-daalder ingevoerd, tahns de US-$-dollar.
Iraq wilde in Euro's betaald worden dus de Pruisische maarschalk Rumsfeld was in no time in Iraq.
Dat Melkert gezant van de UN in Iraq wordt is dus GEEN TOEVAL.... Het Nederlands-Pruisisch koninkrijk is namelijk eigenaar van de US-$-dollar."
[Chris - Zaandam - 07/07/09 ]


TRANSLATION: 'The Prussian monarchy moved to the USA four hundred years ago and introduced the VOC (Dutch United East-India Company) dollar there, (which) at present (is) the US-$-dollar.
Iraq wanted to be paid in Euro's, therefore Prussian marshal Rumsfeld was in Iraq in no time.
Ergo, Melkert becoming UN envoy is NO coincidence ..... the Netherlandish-Prussian monarchy is the possessor of the US-$-dollar.'

[SOURCE: http://www.ad.nl/binnenland/3350844/Melkert_nieuwe_VNgezant_Irak.html ]


Elements of several alternative realities have impressed themselves upon the fevered mind of Chris in Zaandam. Rather than pointing out all of the brittle areas of his belief-system, or speculating about what other surprising concepts percolate in his slightly too warm brain, I shall merely inform you that it is cucumber time in Zaandam at present.



CUCUMBER TIME

Cucumber time ("komkommer tyd") is the slowest part of summer, when thousands of pallid Northern Europeans head to the Costa Del Sol to soak up rays. Consequently everything is quiet on the home front, there are far far fewer normal people to bounce ideas off of, there is an emptiness in the village that is especially oppressive in the dark of night, or just before dawn, when you start hearing those insistent voices in your head again, and they tell you things that at other times you might doubt.......

But what they say makes complete sense now. There is no one around to deny these simple facts, which explain so much, and give you a thrilling sense of 'control' over an otherwise threatening and confusing world. These voices speak knowledge, knowledge is power!

You believe them. Those voices. Because all your friends, your so-called friends (!), who are employable and consequently can AFFORD vacations, have deserted you and headed towards warmer climes. You are alone. Alone. Utterly alone in the darkened silence. Alone except for those comforting voices in your head. They'll NEVER leave you.
They are your true friends.

STAR TREK HALACHA: KASHRUS

With the release of the latest Star trek movie, a matter of some halachic import presents itself.
Ship-board kashrus!

It is the considered opinion of this blogger that there should be at least FIVE dedicated food replicators on board the Starship Enterprise.

[Backgrounder, from Wikipedia: A replicator works by rearranging subatomic particles, which are abundant everywhere in the universe, to form molecules and arrange those molecules to form the object. For example, to create a pork chop, the replicator would first form atoms of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, etc., then arrange them into amino acids, proteins, and cells, and put it all together into the form of a pork chop. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Replicator_%28Star_Trek%29).]



FIVE REPLICATORS


Question: Why are five dedicated food replicators required?

Answer: One each for milchediks and Fleishediks. One for treif for the non-Jewish crew members. Plus two more for Peysach.

Question: Why are dedicated Peysach food replicators required?

Answer: The warp-drive traverses light years. Under normal (non-warp) speeds, Peysach will be celebrated every year, and while it would clearly be onerous and impossible to observe Peysach for every light year traversed at warp-speed, at least one full Peysach will have to be celebrated during each warp jump.

[As the bubble of 'normal' space-time surrounding the ship during warp is artificial, and therefore objects in normal space can still interact with space craft at warp velocity, normal halachic conditions for space-time must be presumed.]


Note, because Starfleet ships are as big as a small city, the search for chometz may be limited to quarters within the eruv. If, however, all crew members will attend a seder, chometz has to be removed from the entire ship excepting the warp core.

[Bedikas chometz should be completed BEFORE the beginning of the day during which warp velocity is reached. Remember, the day begins at night fall, so the search must be performed no more than twenty five hours earlier, and while there is still a presumption of darkness (so that the chometz may be seen by the shadow it casts on surfaces when illuminated by a candle) before the light part of the day prior to the day on which warp-speed commences.]


Since no complete warp jump is possible within Israel (because of the distances traversed in warp mode, either it would take you OUT of The Land if it began in The Land, or it would deliver you into The Land from a point far outside The Land), warp drive almost by definition means chutz l'aretz - this means two seders.
Hence the need for two dedicated kosher le Peysach food replicators, and an on-board mashgiach because even with two dedicated food replicators for the chag, there will be a need for kashering for Peysach.

Libun chamur for both meat replicators, libun kal for both dairy replicators. Irui (hagala) all surfaces, followed by a layer of aluminium foil for preparation areas. And make sure that your tablecloths have been thoroughly washed recently, as cloth may attract dust and kleine shrotzim that render it unfit for the festival.


Question: Why kashering for BOTH meat and BOTH dairy replicators, even if only one of each will be used?

Answer: Because the obligation is that your entire household should be fit for Peysach, not just the items that you intend to use during the festival. It is by that reason that chometz must be gotten rid of before the chag. Please note that as the halachic status of Feringhi is still in doubt, it is best to sell your chometz to a Klingon (or, even better, a Netureikartanik). This is to avoid any inadvertent transgressions bein adam le’chaveiro.


Regarding koshering the facilities, it is very likely that the onboard mashgiach will be a chabadnik. Chabad is well known for providing kitchen kashering services for people who are far from an established Jewish community, as well as Jewish-outreach to far-flung kehilim in addition to kosher for Passover matzos in even the most out-of-the-way locales.

[NOTE: shmure matze can NOT be made during warp speed for obvious reasons.]



SEPARATE DINING FACILITIES


An additional issue is the need for separate dining halls for Jewish crew members, and a lavishly appointed tea room for the hours in between meals.
The non-Jewish members of the crew, when fressing their treif, should mamesh be discouraged from doing so in either the kosher dining halls OR the tea-room, lest one mistakenly assume that treif is replicated there, OR be misled into believing that what they are eating is actually permitted.
This is probably a matter for the unions, and should in any case be including in contract negotiations.



REPLICATED FOODS


It has been argued that the food replicators do not actually create meat or dairy foods, in that they take 'raw' nutrient material and shape it and flavor it so that it looks and tastes like whatever is desired. The analogy is with the mon that the Hebrews ate in the midbar.

Another argument is that the food replicators do not replicate the actual foods, but turn 'matter' into the requested food during the beaming process. And that therefore the issue of kashrus is immaterial.

These ideas are both koferdik, mamesh!

If it has both the same nutritive value, AND tastes the same, as either meat or milch, then logically it IS meat or milch.
The alternative is that you argue that it does not have a meat or milch origin and THEREFORE cannot possibly be meat or milch. But if that were the case, it could not possibly be kosher either!

Now, you may aver that if it is neither meat nor dairy it can yet be kosher: Parve.

To which I will respond that if is NOT of a food origin, then it cannot be kosher, whereas if it is parve, hechshering (of the matter of origin) becomes an issue.

One has to assume that what comes out of a food replicator counts in all ways as food, wherefore kashrus, lechatchila, has to be maintained.

If not, frumme leite could not go into space at all.

==============================

Further exploration of Halachic issues relating to startrek are discussed in the comments underneath this post:
http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2009/05/star-trek.html
Other matters relating to Chassidus in deep space may also be found at that blog (http://dovbear.blogspot.com/).
I encourage you to read Dovbear's posts and learn from the discussion, but as always, consult your local rabbi on kashrus and other subjects when there is any possibility of doubt. To err may be human, but it is not Talmud.

==============================

MY BREASTS ARE TOO BIG!

Sometimes, one's significant other says something that, if you are unaware of context, strikes you as hysterically funny. Or stark-raving bonkers. Such as the phrase headlining this post.


Yesterday Savage Kitten went out to lunch with an old friend from her days studying megaviolence with sifu XXX. When she came back, she cruised into the television room all bubbly, having had an enjoyable time talking smack about some of the white people who had also studied megaviolence with that teacher -- understand, please, that I shall not divulge either the type of martial art, or the teacher's name (the circles studying how to inflict major damage on other people are so small and incestuous in the Bay Area that it would breach her and my anonymity) -- most of whom were puffy graceless poseurs into the spiritual and artistic aspects of megaviolence who always felt hurt if deprived of the limelight.
Yes, we white people are drama queens, and it's all about those neat-o costumes.


After a few minutes of happy burbling, she took off her coat and headed to the bathroom. Seconds later an anguished wail rang through the apartment:
"MY BREASTS ARE TOO BIG!"


Sweetheart, you need to take a closer look. It's not your breasts - they're perfectly alright.
Trust me, I have excellent judgment when it comes to such things.
[Besides, you are Chinese-American - big breasts are NOT part of the blueprint. That you actually have a bosom at all is somewhat remarkable.]


Your breasts are NOT too big, your t-shirt is too small. And that's the black padded sports bra you've got on, I recognized it from the fit. It always lifts and cushions in that exact way.

Men are more observant of these details than you women realize. We probably know your undergarments better than you do, having plumbed the subject in great detail. There are good reasons why the Sears-Roebuck catalogue is so well-thumbed - Or was, nearly forty years ago, when as little boys we knew all about some very peculiar feminine underwear, and first learned of support-panels and stretch fabric.
Even in our senescence, we are still avid students of the scantimenties of the opposite sex.


We fervently hope that you do not reciprocate, by the way. Our ragged baggy boxers will not bear the light of day.

And your breast are NOT too big. They're just right.