FIREWORKS, DRUM MAJORETTES, AND WEENIES!

The great thing about this holiday is the Florida-man videos from all corners of this country, where less-than-gifted individuals do stupid things with combustibles and exlosives. Usually there are multiple examples of staggeringly moronic shiznit. Not just digits gone missing; garages and car ports transported to the next county.

This proves what a great country we live in. Because elsewhere the intellectually defective element wouldn't be let out on their own. Here, they probably have a drivers license. Suspended, yes, and for good cause, but they've tasted freedom.

Bless their freezums.


What we also celebrate, in addition to incendiary devices and combustibles, are a number of dubious foods, augmented with ketchup and bacon. Potato salad and bacon. Macaroni salad and bacon. Grilled "they-said-it's-all-beef" and bacon. Plus apple pie, and bacon.

Now, I like hotdogs -- they're one of natures most perfect foods -- but I've suddenly realized that there is no where within easy traveling distance of my apartment where a decent hot dog may be found. This is because the greasy spoons here are run by communist deviants from Mars (or North Africa), and the vegan healthnuts have viciously driven hot dogs out of town. This is what happens when the city is run by liberals who don't watch Fox News!

By the way: All the drum majorettes here are men. And they're fabulous!

I suppose I could go get a hamburger somewhere.

That, too, is very American.



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