CLEAVERIZE THAT!

This morning my apartment mate tried to utter the sentence "I'm just a delicate little Asian flower" in a sweet innocent voice, and couldn't pull it off. Because, as you should understand, even though she's fairly petite, with fine bone structure, she's also Cantonese, with belts in martial arts, has weapons in her room, and scored tops in marksmanship years ago.

That delicate little Asian flower crap works best if you're a Filipina or Taiwanese and you're speaking to a sheltered waspy wasp-wasp. And even then.

Girl, I've seen you with the cleaver.


There are indeed 'delicate little Asian flowers' out there, but it's mostly in their minds. They're the ones who in an office would ask the IT guy why they can't see the rest of the spreadsheet ("do you see these arrows here? Just scroll over and click"), or on the bus will wilt winsomely because they had to walk TWO whole blocks (spongy and soft), or failed entirely at any type of physical labour, even moving office furniture to make their cubicle more comfortable and efficient because women don't do that ......

[Seductively: "please move my credenza". Sounds almost ready to weep. It's SO heavy!]

Perfect material for marrying a very white lawyer at least a generation older than themselves, and I know of three such who have actually succeeded at roping in law doggies and bringing them to heel. Gatverdamme.

THERE'S A CLEAVER IN THAT LOUIS VUITTON KNOCK-OFF

The image of refinement and feminine delicacy is sometimes entirely ruined by their zesty ability with hatchets and chainsaws. Especially if they're Cantonese. The well brough-up Cantonese female does not swear (much), but she's quite familiar with words and phrases that blister paint; she's heard them all her life simply going about her daily business.

Which, I shall claim, is also how I know exactly what that foul language means that I just heard someone say. Because as a well-brought up Dutch American with sensitivity and refinement I would NEVER actually say anything so crude. Yeah um.

Never. I am refined. Excrutiatingly so.



This essay brought to you courtesy of the 廣東話一門五傑 ('kwong tung waa yat mun ng git'; "the outstanding five"), that being the collection of words which are always bleeped in media because they might offend the pretty little ears of delicate flowers. Which you probably knew by the end of your first year in grammar school. Proof of the benefit that education brings.

Thanks to fine upstanding Christians, the innocent little kiddiewinkies in Florida will never learn them. They must be protected at all costs. Lest they feel triggered and might weep.
The poor wee blossoms.

Oh wait. There might not actually be any Cantonese in Florida.
There's probably nothing civilized there.
It's a horrid place.

Or so I've heard.



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