HERDING MICE

The apartment mate is home today, which means that I will be spending a large part of it wandering around Chinatown enjoying the quiet in the alleyways. It's not because of any dislike. I am quite fond of my apartment mate, and often enjoy her somewhat skewed company. It's because I am antisocial, and I will be smoking a pipe. Tobacco use is a big no-no when she's around.

For me, a nice pipeful is a big yes-yes.
Promotes peace and well-being.

This morning, pursuant a commercial for medication on teevee, she disquisitioned at length about a conjunctivitis remedy that "may cause application site discomfort". What they never tell you is that it hurts like hell and makes you scream, like tiny little branding irons on your eyelids, who the hell has tiny branding irons around and do they herd mice, perhaps near the South Fork, rodent rustling is NOT a problem, except maybe only if you are ratboy, but anyway the pain makes you stay home and curl up in bed nearly weeping from the agony, good lord it's like those pills for irritable leg syndrome that cause diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, tics, and psychotic episodes. Not covered by most insurance plans. Talk to your doctor. She had already had coffee, and was munching on strawberries.
I had only just gotten up.
First cup of Joe.

Don't mention the little branding irons to the imaginary hamsters that visit the stuffed animals every day. We don't have any, and it might disturb them.


If I'm gone for several hours, I will hear that the imaginary hamsters visited. The fuzzy critters will be burbling with excitement when I return.


Chachanteng. Milk tea. Random explosions on Waverly set by exuberant teenage boys. Tourists aimlessly clustered in Ross Alley. A search by Midwesterners for any place that serves hamberders. I am sorry, I cannot help you, because I do not speak English. I don't know what ketchup is. Can I speak about our lord and saviour Pan? Have you a goat?



I've learned much from my apartment mate. But I was already fully cocked and loaded years before.



No, I shan't be watching any dumbass parades on television.
Fireworks? Giant pastel poofballs in the fog.
It will be cold this evening.

There is nothing, nothing! more American than chachanteng cuisine with hot sauce, Hong Kong Milk Tea, a complex Virginia blend in a well-loved briar pipe, random explosions, and imaginary hamsters.

Or, for some of you, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, plus tics, and psychotic episodes.

Happy Fourth.




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